* Parenting with Whine *

Final Thoughts... Final Post

2011-08-03T00:33:00.004-04:00

First, let me Thank You for following my family throughout the last several years. Being able to share with you our joys and sorrows as we traveled through the journey of life has been such a positive experience. Sadly, our time together here on Parenting with Whine will be ending after today.

I wish you all well on your individual journey's and pray that you have great happiness along the way.

Until our paths cross again,

Blessings to you and yours

It wasn't me...

2011-06-12T22:32:00.001-04:00

June 2011 045, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

There is no guessing with this one. It's pretty obvious. What do you think?

A gift for Mom

2011-05-11T10:06:00.004-04:00

These were the beautiful flowers that I received for Mother's Day this year. I am so blessed! I hope your Day was filled with nothing but goodness.

Blessed ten times over...

2011-05-09T00:16:00.001-04:00

I know I say this often and yet, I don't believe it can ever be said enough. I love my children. From the bottom of my heart, from the depths of my soul, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I love them more than I ever thought I could ever love anyone in my life.

From the very moment I saw those two pink lines and the word Pregnant, I knew my life would forever be changed. With anticipation, fear and much happiness, I was joining the ranks of some of the most important people in the world! I was soon to have the most important job I would ever hold in my life. I was going to be a Mother! Life was going to change and I was ready to meet the challenges it would throw my way. Afterall, Mom's are able to handle everything, right?

Just as many women before me did, I too endured the challenges of pregnancy. As the weeks passed, so did the ability I once had that allowed me to see my feet. My belly grew and what once never got in the way of everyday tasks suddenly became a hazard. For myself and those around me. Before long, I felt like a walking trampoline. I felt kicks in my ribs and jumping on my bladder. I knew where every public restroom was. I had the midnight urges for crushed ice and absurd cravings. As the months progressed, I watched my body change into something I no longer recognized. My toes resembled plump sausages. My ankles were swollen. My breasts were growing almost as fast as my baby belly and eventually I waddled like a duck. Even so, it was amazing to feel and watch the movement of a tiny being that I was protecting, nurturing and carrying all by myself. These were moments that nobody else was able to share in. And no matter what, nobody else could ever take these memories away from me.

I am the proud Momma to five angels who wait for me on the other side as well as five wonderful children whom I'm blessed to spend life with here on Earth. I am a proud Mom to ten wonderful children.

Jacob Grant, born 6/3/97 weighing 6lb 9oz.
Austin Kenneth-Nichols, born 3/21/00 weighing 6lb 13oz.
Katelyn Rebekah, born 8/27/01 weighing 4lb 6oz.
Emilee MiKayla, born 5/2/03 weighing 4lb 4oz.
Jonathon Robert, born 1/23/06 weighing 5lb 1oz.

I wish each of you lovely ladies a special Happy Mother's Day. I hope your day was blessed and equally fufilling as mine was.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T21:25:00.003-04:00

I was blessed to spend this Easter with my children and what a magnificent day we had. Instead of going anywhere this year, we had a day full of celebrations at home. Our family was unable to all be together at the start of the morning so The Easter Bunny hopped by a bit later to leave some droppings for us.

The morning started off with family time until 1:00 pm. The Bunny made a stop and planted 126 eggs all over our yard. A letter was left in the mailbox and a text message was delivered. Katelyn had the honor of reading the text message

which read:

Hi boys and girls. I have left you goodies to find in your yard. Look in your mailbox for the instructions. You each have 18 eggs to find of your color. When you are done meet your parents inside for more goodies I have left you. Hoppy Easter. See you next year!

After getting ready, we all met on the porch for the start of our egg hunt. Everyone was assigned their color of egg to find and the search began. As we rounded the corner, we saw this:

The children thought it was pretty funny to see that the bunny would do such a silly thing. Our search continued and we soon realized that Mr. Rabbit was quite a good egg hider as well. We found eggs in:

There were eggs everywhere. Watching the kids run and search was awesome. They even teamed up with one another when they couldn't find their last few eggs.

Eventually, all 126 eggs were recovered. There were a few of them that were hidden quite well. Either a squirrel moved them or the Easter Bunny is quite forgetful. I'm betting it was that darn squirrel! :D We all gathered back inside where the contents of the eggs were dumped out and squeals of delight radiated from the children. One of the children exclaimed, "Oh Yes! Chocolate! AND a penny!" Silly kids! The chocolate is for your Momma! :)

After sorting, stashing and eating a piece or two of chocolate, it was time to turn in their eggs for their prizes/baskets. I approached Katelyn first and told her I would trade all of her money that she found in her eggs (almost $5) in exchange for an Easter basket. She met that offer with resistance but in the end, was willing to do so. It was then that I told her she was able to keep her money and have her basket too. One by one, each child turned in their three numbered eggs in exchange for their baskets of candy and other goodies.

We had bible stories, candy, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, chap stick, makeup, watches, stink bombs, color posters, cotton candy, toothbrushes and of course large chocolate bunnies! The younger children received piggy banks & lanterns too. It was an amazing day and the children made out like little bunnies. gasp NO pun intended!

Dinner was nearly finished by the time the loot was gathered and gone through. The children went outdoors and played with their goodies while everything finished cooking. Before long, we were enjoying a Ham Dinner complete with mashed potato's and gravy, rolls, corn, green bean casserole, baked beans, cottage cheese, crab stuffed mushrooms and diced peaches. Everyone ate until their bellies were full and they went off to play again.

Tonight, as the children are sleeping in their beds, I am reminded yet again just how blessed I am. I have healthy, happy, loving children and I was able to spend another wonderful day with them making memories that will last a lifetime. I hope your day was as fulfilling as mine was.

From us to you:

A spring in our step

2011-04-11T00:03:00.003-04:00

Today was such a beautiful day! The birds chirped. The squirrels bounced through the yard. The mountains of leaves were raked. A tree was cut down that was nothing more than an eye sore. The children reminded me what it's like to be a kid again. They laughed, helped do a tremendous amount of yard work, waded in the kiddie pool and laughed some more. Mud puddles were created and jumped in. Baseballs were hit, footballs were caught and bikes were ridden. The hose was used as a tool and as a weapon. We drank lots of water and ate numerous popcicles. We all smiled as the sun kissed our skin and the wind whispered to us just how blessed we were to be able to share this time together.

Tonight, the children are tucked into their beds and preparing mentally and physically for their return to school tomorrow. Their spring break was spent at home with their family and the weather wasn't as wonderful as we had hoped for but the memories we were able to create made everything worth it.

Although I am exhausted, I am still unable to fall asleep. Instead, I've sat up thinking of how many changes I have been through lately. I am extremely happy with the progress that has been made on a personal, professional, emotional, physical and spiritual level over the past four months. Sometimes it is difficult to believe that this is really my life. I am so excited with the growth and progress that I have made. I have learned that who I once was, where I was in life and who I was with greatly hindered me in numerous ways. The sky is the limit. My dreams are attainable. I am worth every great thing that has come my way. My hard work and determination will take me to places that I was never able to go before. And at the end of it all, I am able to share these wonderful accomplishments with my children; showing them that anything is possible no matter how grim things seem to be.

Every journey we take provides us with a lesson for life. This journey has not been without many life lessons. All lessons come at a certain cost. The lessons are not always easy and the cost can be quite steep. No matter what the cost or how painful it is, I am honored to teach my children that there is always hope. There is always love. There is always faith. There is always someone who is willing to hold your hand, walk beside you, pick you up when you have fallen to your knees, guide you, strengthen you, believe in you, honor you, and love you. Never give up who you are, what you believe in and what you dream of. You are always worth it... to someone!

May you have a spring in your step today!

Be Blessed.

Because I do...

2011-04-07T02:49:00.002-04:00

I sit here, gazing at your handsome face, wondering what five year old little boys could possibly dream of. Maybe it's of a brotherly game of football in the backyard. Perhaps you're the new customer in your sister's restuarant waiting to be served an assortment of plastic food and make believe coffee. I wonder if you're dreaming about the new puppy you've asked for or the vacation we are going on. Or maybe you're dreaming of being a paramedic like your Momma or a FireFighter like your Daddy when you grow up. Whatever it is, I pray your dreams are peaceful, relaxing, enjoyable and that you are able to get restful sleep tonight.

It's nearly 3am and another day of Motherhood has come to an end. I ended my night by rubbing the leg cramps out that were keeping a five year old awake and crying. I rubbed as he laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling in as close to me as he could with the corner of a towel placed firmly in his left hand and his left thumb planted directly in his mouth. Slowly, his eyes grew heavy and all expressions of pain left his face. I laid him down, covered him up and planted a kiss on his forehead. He let out a sigh. A smile crossed my face and I thought, "This is what it's really all about."

Many of nights, I have sat by a bedside with an ill child while holding them and a bucket as they vomited. I have changed numerous sheets because someone had an accident of some sort in their bed. I have rubbed many leg cramps, warmed up many hot packs and cried many times right along with my children because they hurt. I have dispensed medications to a child who had a high fever or a raging ear infection. I have placed countless cool cloths on foreheads, vapor rub on their chests, or sat with them while they took a bath to help cool their 103 degree temperature. I have sat in the steamy bathroom because my child had croup and was coughing like a seal. I have sat up for countless hours watching my child breathe, listening to their lungs and wishing the time could pass quicker so I could take them to their doctor. I have traveled the roads late at night because an illness prompted an emergency room visit. I have sat in numerous hospital emergency rooms, urgent care rooms, waiting rooms, doctor offices, pharmacy lines, and endured hospital stays with my children. I have wiped tears away, held hands, rocked, cuddled and soothed a child because someone or something had them upset or fearful. I have done these things and will continue to do these things each and every day because this is what I do. It is who I am. I am Mom and a Mom's job is never done.

At the end of the day, whether it's 10pm or 3am, I am honored to be Mom to five wonderful children who are an amazing gift that I have been blessed with. Whether it's glancing in the memory box that is full of letters, poems, cards, drawings and strories or hearing numerous "I love you's" or feeling the arms of numerous children wrapped around my arms, legs, neck and torso several times each day, I know that they feel pretty blessed as well. I thank the Lord each day for allowing me to be their Mother.

Each day passes faster than the last. Embrace every moment you are blessed with. Treasure them. Cherish them. Enjoy them. Live for those moments. Most importantly, be thankful for each moment and make each of them count because in an instant, your world can change and leave you with nothing more than memories.

May you be blessed with a special moment today in your life. I know I will be.
Many blessings to each of you!

-Becky

Another Step Forward

2011-03-24T23:00:00.001-04:00

Today marks another milestone in parenting. Hand in hand, Jonathon and I walked to school in order to attend Kindergarten round up.

Even though I have done this a time or two (or three or four), it doesn't make the realization that your baby is growing up any easier. Especially when it's your last baby.

Five years ago, I welcomed a tiny baby boy into my life. From that moment, my life has never been the same. Jonathon's start was difficult. He decided to come seven weeks early, was the only child of five to be born by c-section and spent two very long weeks in the RNICU. He was welcomed home by his four siblings, his father and myself. Our family was complete and life was full of joy.

As the years have passed by, Jonathon has grown into a handsome, intelligent, amazing five year old. I am so proud of him. It is difficult to watch someone who once depended upon you completely to become so independent. I suppose that is part of the reason that today is even more of an emotional milestone.

Today I let go ever so slightly and created a partnership with the staff of Jonathon's school. A partnership that will allow Jonathon to explore, grow, learn and become anything he desires. Congratulations Jonathon!

Let it settle upon you...

2011-03-24T04:02:00.002-04:00

Tonight I am reminded yet again, how wonderfully blessed I am. My life is so rich and rewarding. I am grateful for my honest, generous, sincere, loving friends. I am touched by the kindness, support and thoughtfulness of those I once considered aquaintances and have since become a much bigger part of my life. I am surrounded by amazing, uplifting and unconditional loving family. I am the Mother of five loving, respectful, honest miracles who have fufilled my life in more ways than they will ever realize. Yet, above all, I am reminded that I am safe in His arms, walking the path He laid before me and becoming the person He intended me to be. I am loved by Him and I am thankful.

It is another evening of chasing sheep in my mind. They promise if I count enough of them, I will drift off into a peaceful slumber. Instead; however, I lay here wide awake. I think. I smile. I giggle. I cry. I let every thought race through my head that possibly could and then wonder why I'm still wide awake. I'm certain some of you can relate to my dilemma.

So, here I am, wide awake, sitting in the middle of my bed. The hum of the fan being overpowered by the soft instrumental sounds that are being played on the tv. Every now and then I hear one of the children speaking in their sleep, an occassional cough or what sounds like they are in a wrestling match with their blankets. Just ten minutes ago, I was startled by the sound of someone screaming. I ran to their room where I found Jacob sitting up in the middle of his bed with a look of sheer terror on his face. His only word was, "Mom?" It was obvious that he was having some type of anxiety in his dream and was looking for reassurance that I was there. It touched my heart that he called out for me and at the same time, it hurts to think that he has something on his mind that is causing him to feel anxious or afraid. I sat on his bed, spoke to him briefly, reminded him that I was right there and that I loved him. I brought him a bottle of water and tucked him back into bed.

I returned to bed and began to pray.

Lord, why must my children hurt? Why must their innocent hearts feel the pain that nobody should ever have to feel, especially the heart of a child. Why must I feel so helpless, unable to protect their hearts from being broken? My whole goal in life is to protect, nurture, guide and of course love my children unconditionally. I understand that life is painful. I know in order to grow, gain knowledge and become a better person that we must overcome pain that is showered down upon us in life. Even though I understand this, I certainly don't like it. I feel helpless at times. My heart hurts when I can't take the pain my children are feeling and place it on my own heart. So I ask you to please help lessen any pain their tender hearts must carry. Please comfort them when I am unable to do so. Please protect and watch over them. Please guide them, allowing them to make the mistakes in order to gain insight and knowledge that will benefit them in their lives. Please steer them away from making choices that would prove to be detrimental to themselves or others around them. Please allow them to have an open mind and a loving, giving heart that thinks about others. And finally, please allow them to understand and feel that their Mother loves them unconditionally just as you do. In your name, Amen.

It now approaches the 0400 hour and my heart feels slightly lighter even though my mind still feels boggled and weighed down. The kids seem to be resting peacefully and that allows a peace to settle over me. I never expected to love someone as much as I love these five children. I am so thankful that I was given that gift. I couldn't imagine my life any other way!

Blessings to each of you, my friends. May your hearts be as full of love as mine is.

Horoscope for today

2011-03-22T22:40:00.000-04:00

Pisces horoscope, free daily horoscopes for Pisces

Seems like yesterday...

2011-03-20T23:11:00.002-04:00

Tonight I sit in bed and reflect over the past eleven years of my life. So much has changed. So many wonderful memories have been made. So much love and experience gained. Even better, eleven years ago, my life was richly blessed even more with the birth of my second son, Austin Kenneth-Nichols. I have been given an amazing gift and each day with him reminds me just how special that gift truly is.

Dear Austin,

It is hard for me to believe that it has been eleven years since I first held you in my arms. You were loved deeply before you were ever born. Your journey to join our family was a difficult journey for everyone involved. The 17 months before you were concieved were filled with heartache, pain, stress, tests, surgery and much disappointment. However, the moment we knew we were expecting you, our hearts filled with incredible love and great anticipation of your arrival. Throughout the entire pregnancy, the fear of losing you shadowed over us. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't thankful to still have you safe, growing stronger and bigger in my womb. With determination, several medications, hospital stays, premature labor, months of bedrest and great fear, we conquered what seemed to be impossible. On March 21, 2000, I welcomed you into my arms. Born five weeks early, you weighed six pounds thirteen ounces. You were perfect!

Over the past eleven years, I have had the honor to be your Mom. It has been a priveledge to watch you grow up into the amazing young man that you have become. You have provided me with countless memories that I will hold in my heart forever. You have grown into such a caring, intelligent, loving person and I am proud to be able to call you my son! I watch in amazement at the things you do, the topics that interest you, the hobbies you have chosen, the kind caring person you are to others, your willingness to help those who need it and your ability to be a pretty awesome brother. I see a perfect mix of your father and I wrapped up into you. You make me proud each and every day, Austin. You have a wonderful personality, a tender heart, a caring spirit, a loving soul and the ability to lift the spirits of those around you. You are an incredible young man with great talent, drive, determination and focus. These qualities will help you to succeed in anything that you choose to do. Dream big, Son. Nothing is impossible. Dream it, work for it and you can achieve anything you put your mind to. Always remember that no matter what, I am here to walk beside you. I am here to guide you, encourage you, support you and praise you. I am here offering my love, unconditionally and forever. I am proud of you Austin. Happy Birthday, Son. I hope you have a wonderful 11th Birthday.

Love Always,
Mom

2011-02-28T15:11:00.000-05:00

LORD, I noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me. The LORD replided, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you"

These words are so touching to my heart. I haven't had much time to write lately but I wanted to take a moment to share how incredible life has been.

As of Friday, I completed all of my requirements for obtaining my Paramedic license. Not only did this entail a year long program, 500 hours of clinicals and unimaginable stress but it was also accomplished during the hardest year of my entire life. I became a single mom of five, regained my self confidence, moved to another city, reestablished the children in a new school and ended a 15 year marriage during the course of that year. Many things have been accomplished and goals met.

I have to say that there were many times through this journey that I fell to my knees, prayed for guidance and support and was lifted to my feet again. I had my heart shattered. My goals questioned. My self doubt. My support systems removed. However, the one person I know that never doubted me, never left my side and continued to love me in spite of it all was my Lord. When my lungs cried out, "why me" I was reminded to give it time and see what good was to come. When my eyes were bloodshot and wheeping, I was reminded to open them wide and take in the visions before me. When I doubted myself, I was reminded that it was okay to feel some doubt for it keeps you grounded and focused.

What an incredible journey this has been. I am so thankful that my children were able to witness the positive outcomes that can happen when you are strong, determined, focused, willing, driven, loving, compassionate, honest, hard working and filled with faith.

All things are possible. I am certain there were times along my journey when only one set of footprints were visible. Thank you Lord for carrying me and my burdens when I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own.

Blessings to each of you.

Prayers for Ashley

2011-02-07T21:09:00.002-05:00

A few years ago, I became connected to this family through online blogging. I have followed this family's struggles, praised Him for each accomplishment Ashley reaches and prayed for each hurdle that they face. Tonight is no different. I am praying for Sweet Ashley as she fights yet another battle for her precious life. I ask you to do the same. Please pray for this precious child. Miracles do happen.

2011-02-03T00:59:00.002-05:00

But how? How do you really know?

Alas, You have finally found the courage to let your guard down. You lower the wall just enough to peek over. Without warning, out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of potential. Like bolts of lightening, the visions flash before your eyes. Holding on to hope, pushing away the fear and stepping out on faith, you move forward.

Instinctively, you harbor doubt. You hold back, sheltering your heart with hope that it will prevent additional ache. You question yourself. You wait. And cautiously, you proceed. Eventually, your heart will heal and allow you to capture the passion of forgiveness so that you may truly love another without reservations.

One day, you will feel the weight lift from your shoulders. And then, it happens.

A smile, once turned upside down, will radiate across your face. Your spirit, once broken, will lift and begin to soar. Your eyes, once dull and full of sadness, will twinkle again. Your confidence, once beaten down, will fly higher than a kite on a windy summer day. And others begin to notice.

A passion returns. A purpose is defined. A goal is reached. A dream comes true.

A hand gently slips into yours, a perfect fit.
A smile causes one to match.
A twinkle in the eyes staring at you makes your heart skip a beat.
A voice whispers tenderly into your ear, causing your knees to buckle.
A kiss is gently placed upon your lips, leaving you to desire more.
An embrace holds you close enough to hear a beating heart, not that of your own.

Your wish becomes their desire.
Your happiness has no limits.
Your heart is protected in their strong, loving hands.
Your fears become obsolete.
Your beauty is never overlooked.
Your love is unconditional.
You are always more than enough.

Your future becomes your now.

Live in the moment. Seize each opportunity as it presents itself. Create memories with those you love every chance you get. Know that each day is a gift and that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Card Sharks

2011-01-03T08:20:00.001-05:00

Peace and acceptance come easily to some. To others, it comes with a price. At times, we are forced to play the hand we have been dealt, regardless of whether the outcome will be in our favor or not. And so, slowly, one by one, the cards are all laid down on the table for all to see.

He said to me… She said to her husband…

Some girl from work wants to move to Leslie
I want to move to Leslie

Some lady from work made this necklace for me
I made this necklace for him

Some lady from work made these pickles
I sent some pickles home with him

I have a fire training burn I have to go to
I want you to record this fire burn for a friend

I am letting a guy from work borrow the trailer
Will you get his trailer so we can borrow it

I’m picking up the trailer from D’s house
Oh, he stopped by and picked up the trailer

This girl from work has cancer
You go to work. I’ll have a friend take me

Oh this guy I work with called me
Call him from your phone, he has no house #

Let’s buy this house and did so.
I am just not happy. I want a divorce.

We will do these changes to our new house
My friend is leaving his controlling, manipulative wife

I got a new position working nights
He needs a place to move to until he gets on his feet

You change your shift because mine pays more
You work days, I’m going to work night shift.

No time to call after lunch or during night
He just calls at night to talk and we meet on lunch

I miss you. When will I get to see you more.
We are just friends. I would never do that to you

I have to run to Meijer and the FD
T stopped by today while you were at work.

I’m just not happy We’re just friends.
I’m not attracted to the hobit

I met someone
He just needs a place to move to with his kids. He left his wife.

I’ll go stay with my parents
This room can be for the boys, the girls, and one for him

Yes, but she is divorced.
I would never do that to you, I promised.

Fine, Yes we have been together
No, we haven’t ever been together.

It’s been going on over 8 months
Nothing was going on. We are just friends.

You don’t have to make this physical
You have to be THIS TALL to ride THIS ride.

Don’t confront him or he will beat her
She is an evil, lying, manipulative person

They ARE divorced! Where else would I live?
He is leaving his wife. Can he stay here?

You wanted me to hurt, you’ve succeeded. She doesn’t want anything to do with me now.
He told his wife we were together and I’m mad

Fine, I will rent this apartment
I will go live with my cousin

So you see, sometimes people know how to bluff their way through hand after hand; however, once all the cards are laid out on the table, it becomes very clear how the game was being played.

When the cards aren’t content to be within your hand and decide they want to shuffle around with another suit, it’s time to throw it all in and walk away. Let them continue to play 52 pickup with an occasional game of spoons and poker. In the end, you will be blessed with a full house. Trump that!

Remembering...

2011-01-01T07:12:00.001-05:00

Goodbye 2010

Hello 2011

The New Year has begun and I couldn't be more excited about it. This morning, in a couple hours actually, my wonderful children will have returned home to me after being gone for far too long. They left Christmas Day and although I have received a few phone calls over the last week, my heart will ache until they are home and snuggled in my arms.

As most people start off the New Year, they are inclined to make a list of resolutions that they hope to accomplish in the upcoming twelve months. More often than not, that list becomes shorter with each passing ~~day~~ week. Even with the best intentions, our everyday lifestyles get in the way. We fall back into the same routines and the resolutions fall off this years list only to be placed on next years.

Before I hammer out the list of ~~unlikely~~ resolutions that I have, I would like to post a list of the things that stick out in my head from 2010.

In 2010...

I started the year off as a seperated mom of five who was trying to wade through a sea of turmoil. It was filled with hurt, broken dreams, questions and shattered hearts. In January, I vowed to make a change. I enrolled in the Paramedic program and hoped like hell that I could muster up the strength to get through the three semesters, successfully. My baby turned four and we celebrated it like rockstars with family and friends. Time ticked... slowly.

February rolled around. My life, although still shaken, began to take on a little more shape. I refused to drag things out. I filed and began the painful process of divorce. Valentines Day was nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday and I vowed to Uncelebrate it. With a new month came new experiences. The children had a routine in place for visiting their father. I was pushing myself to become a better person. And I received my first "fix it" ticket. Life moved forward.

March arrived and brought with it another roller coaster of stress. I turned another year older, 33 to be exact. I celebrated it early with a night on the town, enjoying an amazing time with friends and family. It was a true taste of things I had been missing out on for a long time. My second child turned double digits and surrounded by family and friends, we celebrated his 10th birthday. I had the unfortunate pleasure of spending some time in the hospital this month and not for my clinincals. The children continued on with their schooling and I moved forward with mine.

April brought the Easter Bunny and the most unpleasant experience of having my gallbladder removed and an unexpected non-laproscopic abdominal surgery. Six days in the hospital, away from my children and recoving from having my innards jostled were made bearable by having the company of an amazing friend at my bedside the entire time. The children looked forward to their upcoming summer break while I was ~~patiently~~ waiting for my first semester to end.

May rolled in with a new found freedom for our family. Emilee turned seven and with the help of myself, Dave and her siblings at her side, she ditched the training wheels and learned to ride her two wheeler. She was thrilled and we were so proud of her. Spring was beautiful. The weather was improving and the children were blooming. They were excited to be finishing up their school year with trips, parties and field days. My first semester from school was over and I had a week to prepare for the next seven months.

June greeted us with sunshine, a new place to call home and a teenager! Jacob turned thirteen and he was sure to let everyone know it. We celebrated with family and friends and I vowed to learn more patience as we travel through the rest of the troubling teenage years. The children were released for summer break and the fun began. I was pushing through the medic program, beginning my clinicals and giving great thanks for the ongoing support from my family and friends. It had been six months of trying to make a new life for the children and I. Although it hadn't been without troubles, it was without question that our lives were bigger, brighter, and happier than they were six months before.

July exploded with fireworks. The kids were enjoying the time off of school. We filled our days with playtime at the parks, the beach, taking walks, eating ice cream, playing ball and enjoying the time we had together. Jonathon decided it was time to ditch the training wheels at the age of four and with Jacob by his side, he rode across the school yard showing me his new talent. I was so proud of him and thrilled that Jacob was the one to be at his side when it happened. Their bond is amazing! As the month continued, the annual Steam Show went on as normal even though the concept of it no longer being an annual family vacation lingered. It was another unpleasant reminder of the way our new life would be.

August provided more summer fun. The children wanted to be on the go all the time while I struggled to keep up with my clinicals, classes and everyday life. The second semester of the medic program ended and the third and final semester began. We fit in as many outings as we could and captured numerous photos to fill our albums. Katelyn turned nine and celebrated it surrounded by those who love and adore her. It was hard to believe that my little girl was becoming such a young lady. We were all saddened to see the summer days coming to an end and knew that before long, the children would be starting classes at a new school district.

September rolled in, although sooner than the kids would have liked, and a new school year began. Jacob started the 8th grade. Austin was in 5th, Katelyn was in 4th and Emilee rounded up the batch in 2nd grade. I questioned how so many years have passed us by. Afterall, I had met their father at the end of my 8th grade year. Jacob was right around the corner and I suddenly became a little frightened. The first few weeks of school came with adjustments, new routines and hope for a successful year for each of my children.

October brought with it the crisp Autumn air, road-side pumpkin stands, cider and doughnuts and of course, Halloween. For the first time in many years, the children passed out candy instead of going trick-or-treating. They did have an evening of trunk-or-treat fun and was able to hit up a few of the neighboring houses before passing out candy to the other ghosts and goblins in the neighborhood. Even though my classes were cut to twice a month, my days were filled to the brim. My clinicals continued on and my internship of another 250 hours on the ambulance had begun. The passing of my 15th wedding anniversary was bittersweet. I was continously reminded that things happen for a reason and to be patient for the reasons to be revealed to me.

November arrived and reminded us all of the many things we have to be thankful for. It was a difficult year for the children and I, which was marked by Thanksgiving Weekend. Even so, we were thankful for a house that was becoming a home. A family we could call our own. Our health, our family, our friends and the promise that everything would continue to get better in time. A delicious thanksgiving dinner was made and shared together as a family, Christmas lists were started and the first 250 hours of my clinicals were finally finished.

December marked the end of the year. It also marked the end of my 15 year marriage to the father of my children. Holiday decorating began. Cookies, candies, cards, ornaments, lights, letters, giggles and love filled the house. Gifts were purchased, wrapped and placed beneath the tree. I completed the last 250 hours of my internship and prepared for my final exam. As luck would have it, Santa even came early for the kids, allowing them to celebrate Christmas on the 19th this year. A few days later, I completed and passed the Paramedic program! The week progressed, allowing the kids to enjoy their Christmas gifts before having to leave for their fathers. Christmas Eve was celebrated with family and friends. It was an evening I won't forget. Although New Years Eve left me without children, I was in no shape to ring in 2011 anywhere but home. That's okay though because we will be holding our own New Years Day party with the children. A day of celebrating an incredibly difficult year that is now behind us and preparing to enjoy every moment of the New Year that is before us.

So as you can see, my year was filled with many ups and downs. Even though I may not have accomplished every item on my resolution list last year, I did manage to accomplish some of them.

My children knowing that they are loved, appreciated and important to me

A new, stronger, independent, determined woman who is 30 pounds lighter

Paramedic program successfully completed

A future promise of love, happiness and moments that will change my life.

What did you accomplish over the last year?

Many blessings being sent your way.

Dirt, rocks and bugs

2010-10-21T21:22:00.001-04:00

2, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Dear Son,

Each day, you teach me something new. You remind me to stop and enjoy each new discovery that you find. You also remind me check your pant pockets for bugs and your jacket pockets for toads. You continue to melt my heart every single day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

Love,
Momma

My little fighter

2010-10-21T21:14:00.001-04:00

24, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

My precious daughter,

Your fighting spirit filled your soul the day you were born. That same fighting spirit has remained with you throughout the last seven years. Thank you for being my little fighter. Always keep that fighting spirit within you, sweetheart.

Love,
Momma

Pony Tails and Mud Pies

2010-10-21T21:09:00.004-04:00

11, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Dear Daughter,

Thank you for the past nine years. You have reminded me of the true meaning of a "tom-boy". You will ask me to do your hair and minutes later you run outside to sling mud pies ~~with~~ at your siblings. You are a perfect mix of sugar, spice and everything nice. You are growing into such a beautiful young lady and I am honored to call you my daughter. I love you!

Love,
Momma

Blessed

2010-10-21T21:04:00.001-04:00

17, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Dear Son,

The last ten years, you have blessed me beyond belief. You surprise and amaze me more each day. Thank you for showing me life's smallest blessings.

Love,
Mom

Does he know?

2010-10-21T21:00:00.001-04:00

29, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Dear Son,

Do you know how much I love and adore you? Thank you for being you!

Love,
Mom

Happy 15th Anniversary

2010-10-11T09:22:00.002-04:00

Looking back, it is easy to see that you have grown tremendously over the past fifteen years. You have become a mother in spite of every complication you've been faced with. You have lived your life as a role model for your children, showing them the values of dedication, love, honesty and compassion. You have learned that marriage requires trust, work, committment and constant effort in order to sustain it. You have learned to overcome adversity when it is breathing down your neck. You have learned to live for today because tomorrow is never promised. You have learned that those who promise to love, honor and cherish you are not always as committed, honest or loving as you believed. You have learned forgiveness and extended it to those who were underserving. You have learned that love is blind as it allows you to overlook some of the most obvious warning signs of infidelity. You have learned to open your eyes and see people for their true character. You have learned to live for yourself instead of for someone who doesn't value you as a person, a friend, a companion, a partner, a spouse. You have learned that you are capable of anything you put your mind to. You are able to overcome what may seem impossible. You have learned that in time, heartaches do lessen and time softens all wounds. You have learned that even in your darkest moments, there is someone else who has gone through similar heartache. You have learned that there are still honest, loving, compassionate, understanding and committed people left in this world. You have learned that you are promised happiness and that it is out there, waiting for you to grab hold.

Fifteen years ago, I chose to become the wife of my high school sweetheart. My future was promising, bright and I looked forward to the new life ahead of me. We became parents to five amazing children. Through the years, I strived to be a loving wife and looked forward to a lifetime of memories. I loved unconditionally, believing, trusting and looking forward to years of happiness.

As my 15th wedding anniversary approaches, I am without the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with. It is anticipated that the divorce will be final on or shortly after the 14th. Although it is emotional, bittersweet and painful, I am reminded that I still have an entire life before me left to live. The last fifteen years have been a learning experience. I have grown as a woman, a mother and a friend. I have gained precious memories along the way and will do my best to put those memories above the painful reality of infidelity and a broken marriage. I will do it for my children. I will do it for me!

I am on a new journey. The end is uncertain and never with the promise of being an easy path to get there. I have gained more self confidence, self worth, and a better understanding of what I deserve.

Just as in emergency medicine, there are people that no matter what you do, you are not able to save them. I have exhausted every option I have. It's not something I am able to fix alone and others chose not to try. I have done my best, given my all and even tried to save a marriage that in the end, still collapsed. I hope it weighs heavily on the minds of both of them how they were selfish, dishonest, and destroyed two families. Highly doubtful however, as neither seems to believe they did anything wrong. Karma...the next best thing!

So, Happy 15th Anniversary to me. May the next 15 years be filled with wonderful memories, new beginnings, love, happiness, faithfulness and honesty.

Bring on the rain

2010-09-28T11:46:00.002-04:00

As the rain pours down I am reminded of the cleansing my own life is about to receive. I am so thankful for new beginnings. Tomorrow is the day that the divorce should be finalized. I would be lying if I said I was not a tiny bit sad as this is an ending to a major part of my life. I have been married more than half of my life. In the end, I know that everything will be okay. Things happen for a reason and even if I am unsure of that reason right now, in the end the reason will be revealed. I have faith that the life I am about to be blessed with will be full of great opportunities and a lifetime of love and companionship. I also pray that my children will see that no matter what fears, challenges or hardships that they may be faced with in life, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel may be long and the journey may be lonely but in the end, the struggles only make us stronger, molding us into the person we are suppose to be. It has been a long, emotional, challenging ten months. Even so, I'm looking forward to the next ten as being a fantastic beginning to a whole new life!

Blessings to all~

Quickly approaching

2010-09-22T15:42:00.004-04:00

The breeze blows through my hair as the sun kisses my skin. Summer is now over and fall is quickly approaching. I'm not sure if I should be excited or a bit sad about the year passing so fast.

The children are all back in school. So far, everything is working out well for them. Each day I am greeted with excitement that radiates from their beaming smiles or urgency in their voices as they try to recount the events for the day. Last week, Austin came home announcing that he had made some new friends in school. I was thrilled that he stepped outside his comfort zone and extended his friendship to other classmates as well. These children make me so proud!

Jacob is having the most difficult time of all yet even he is doing good. With the school's participation and my desire to do whatever it takes for him to excel, Jacob is progressing. Sadly, not everyone is on board nor desires to take an active role, leaving the hard work to myself with instructions to just "let me know what they say." sigh

In other news, Jacob was diagnosed a week ago with Osgood Schlatter's Disease. This is quite painful, especially if his activities are not monitored or appropriately managed. He is an active teenager so keeping him down is not an easy task. At this point, pain management is important as is rest!

I am approaching the end of my third semester of the paramedic program. I think most of the students would agree that we are all looking forward to the end of the program. It has been an extremely stressful year and taking the medic program on top of the life changes that the kids and I have gone through this year has been difficult. Even so, I push forward and continue to reach for my goals. In a couple months, this will all be finished. The kids and I can then begin 2011 on an uplifting, positive note!

Boy I'm feeling old...

2010-09-08T07:55:00.003-04:00

This week is the start of another school year for the kids. Understandably, they were quite nervous about the first day. They would be attending a new district where they would be the dreaded new kids. Imagine their surprise when they realized that they really were not the only new kids this year! Their day went well and they even said they were looking forward to day 2.

Bedtime was a little off schedule last night. It wasn't exceptionally late but as parents know, even a small change in a routine can make a big impact on the kids. Everyone is a little slower to get up and around this morning. A few snooze buttons were ~~hit~~ pressed and the kids grumbled "a little longer" a time or two. Okay, so it was me pressing the snooze button!

Getting back into the routine can be tough on everyone. Summer is great fun but it also allows for the schedules to become a little too flexible. I like the kids to have a routine. It gives them structure and they certainly need that.

On a side note, one that my own mother will appreciate, my girls said they are all ready for school today. Clothes are appropriate and in place. Socks and shoes are on. Their faces are free from any shadows, powders or bright red lipsticks. All seems well, right? Wrong! Apparently they are a bit like I was as a child. After all, Who needs to brush their hair? There you have it, Mom. It has come around to bite me. The girls hate to brush their hair in the morning too! :)

And so, another year of watching my children grow in various was is upon us. It seems impossible to have an 8th, 5th, 4th, and 2nd grader this year. I'm not sure where the time has gone but it certainly seems to be passing quite quickly!

Have a wonderful school year, kiddos. Momma loves you!

What started out a lifetime ago...

2010-08-14T00:56:00.004-04:00

...ends with a smile.

Nineteen years ago, a young love began. A love that brought joy to my heart and a smile to my face. A love that was tested time after time yet still remained. A love that would bring two kids together as man and wife only to end as a broken family.

Today, I remember what started out as a childhood love affair and think about how it has evolved and sadly, ended nineteen years later.

The memories, too many to list, will forever be in my heart. They are mine and nobody can take those from me. The happiness that filled the years will be remembered, embedded in my mind, listed through my journals, captured in the photographs and as proof by my children's existance. For I know that my children were created out of love by two people who were in love.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

Even through the tears; the smiles remain, for I am reminded of a love story with each hug and kiss my children give me.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. -Margaret Mitchell

Saddened, indeed. Yet I walk away knowing that my faith is strong. Unbreakable even when tested.

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

I am confident that there is meaning and purpose to the last nineteen years. That is obvious to me each and every time I look into the eyes of my precious children.

Is it worth it?

2010-08-06T23:59:00.001-04:00

"It's about you, what are you going to do?"

"Is it worth it?"

"Yeah... but at some point you gotta ask yourself what do you want your life to be about? I spent a lot of years trying to figure this out, acting like everything was cool and at a certain point I just had to answer that question in my heart. Is there something more?"

"I'm happy enough"

"Well... If you're really willing to look and I don't mean just try it out, then I'm telling you... your going to find that he's more than worth it."

Look deep into your own heart and see how these words may fit into your life. Touching words from a scene in the movie, "To Save a Life".

When all else fails...

2010-07-22T01:12:00.001-04:00

A7, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Play in the sand! Although this is not the most flattering photograph, the memories are. Jonathon and I spent some one on one time building things in the sand. He is such a wonderful young man. It's hard to believe he is already four and a half. Where has the time gone? Thanks for the memories we built today, Buddy. Even if we didn't do a darn at building that awesome sand castle you envisioned.

Treasure each moment

2010-07-22T01:09:00.001-04:00

A, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Today, I was blessed to spend the afternoon with my best friend of nearly 30 years! Through the tears, trials, joy and laughter she has stood by me. She is truly a blessing and an incredible friend. We will be bonded forever. From the moment we met until our very last breath... I love you, my friend! Thanks for a great afternoon. I hope Mr C was able to get his "sister" fix. :)

Soaking it up

2010-07-22T01:05:00.001-04:00

A5, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Just soaking up the sun with the five adorable blessings I treasure! Hope your day was as wonderful as mine was.

Best Friends Forever

2010-07-22T01:04:00.001-04:00

A3, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Nearly 30 years and still going strong. What a great day we had today!

Bonded

2010-07-22T01:02:00.001-04:00

A14, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Spending precious time snuggled up on the blanket together. I love moments like these. I'll take every single one I can get.

Beauty

2010-07-22T00:59:00.001-04:00

A22, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Beauty surrounds us. When was the last time you let yourself melt into your surroundings? Just another day at the lake...

A tangled web...

2010-07-22T00:58:00.001-04:00

A27, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Be careful of those webs! This is a cobweb we saw at the lake today. Pretty cool, I think...

Jacob & Mom

2010-07-22T00:56:00.001-04:00

A11, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Just having a little fun in the sun! Is there any better way to pass the day?

Just chillin out!

2010-07-21T23:34:00.001-04:00

A6, originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Momma & Jonathon just having a good time in the water!

Solid yet Shattered

2010-07-12T03:27:00.003-04:00

Solid yet shattered... The journey continues. Life goes on. Time passes slowly. Marching forward, one step at a time.

The path isn't always straight and narrow. Often times, it is quite the opposite. Sometimes the path has subtle, smooth turns and other times the turns are abrupt, sharp and frightening. No matter how hard we try to stay the course, the course, at times, controls us.

It's a long road to travel alone. During the darkest times along the journey, you feel isolated and fearful. You question yourself often. You search within, hoping to find some type of direction that this is the road you are intended to be on. You find yourself turning around only to walk a few steps backwards before realizing what a horrible mistake it would be. Desperately seeking comfort of the known while fearing the unknown. Reminded that "what will be, will be." Afterall, "It is what it is."
Embrace it!

Link by link

2010-07-10T01:40:00.005-04:00

Bound by chains

Unbreakable they seem...

Linked

From one end to the other

I fall to my knees...

Grasping firmly

Holding on tight

Hoping for the best

Prepared for the fight

Knowing in time

The links will give way

The pain will get easier

Day by Day.

Until I am blessed

with brighter days and peaceful nights

I'll continue my journey

And fight for what's right.

Seek and you shall Find

2010-07-07T12:11:00.003-04:00

I...

Seek answers to the unanswered questions that fill my head. Hope the knowledge is close enough to grasp, the grip-strong enough to prevent it from slipping between my fingers like grains of sand. Fall to my knees to pray for strength, peace and comfort. Feel the weight that bears down upon my shoulders being lifted a little more each day.

Breathing becomes easier.
Smiling happens more often.
Laughter escapes more freely.
Hope builds as new dreams are made.

Time passes slowly. The one who was is now becoming.

Becoming...

Stronger
Passionate
Confident
Proactive
Balanced
Productive
Courageous
Tolerant
Insightful
A better person
A better Mother

Becoming Me

Lost, Gained and Letting Go...

2010-06-29T01:17:00.002-04:00

My heart, full of joy, still feels so broken. I suppose that happens during these things. The children spent the last 9 nights away from me. The house was quiet. Too quiet. I can't express how much I missed them. Their stories, their giggles and even their bickering fill my heart in ways nothing else can. They truly are a blessing, each one of them. And while I have welcomed them home with open arms, enjoying each and every hug, kiss and snuggle, there is still an unwelcomed void in my heart tonight.

I suppose the feelings I am having are pretty normal. Even so, normal or not, the void in my heart is gaping. Will it ever heal? They say time heals all wounds yet as time continues to pass, the wound seems to become more inflammed, more eroded and aches for a layer of protection and comfort. The sting has progressed into a searing pain that refuses to ease up. Time continues to pass and I continue to wait.

The last seven months have taught me to expect the unexpected. Predict the unpredictable and question motives, sincerity, and honesty in people I never questioned before. In seven months, I have learned things about myself that I never knew, acknowledged or accepted in my previous 32 years of life experience. And while I know that everything happens for a reason and we may not know why until a later date, the fact remains that these life lessons were learned at a great cost. I have often asked why I couldn't have learned these lessons in another way rather than by "losing" my husband, my marriage, my family unit, my home, my dreams, my life. It then occurrs to me that while it feels like I "lost" so much, the focus must shift to what I've gained.

A deeper love for and from my children.
A more personal bond with them.
The respect of my children by staying true to my word and for being honest with them.
An intense desire to protect, nurture and guide each of my children far beyond my motherly instincts.

I have gained...

A number of wonderful, supportive, friends who have helped me through this difficult time.
A new understanding of letting go and letting be.
Affirmation that a marriage and/or relationship requires a partnership in which giving is not one-sided.
The knowledge that I am capable of reaching goals I never thought were possible.
The acceptance that I am deserving of more than I received.
Insight that there are others who deeply care about me and desire to show that to me.
An ability to trust in Him and in others even if it means I may get hurt.
Faith that there is a bigger picture than what I am able to see right now.
Hope that I will make the best decisions for my children and myself.

I have gained...

Self respect.
New goals, dreams and desires.
A new outlook on my future.
Forgiveness for myself and others even if it is a difficult work in progress at times.
A new start where anything is possible as long as my heart stays open yet guarded.
And the ability to love, not only others but also myself.

"Almost don't matter. You got to deal with the situation at hand."

These words jumped off the page as I read "If I Stay" last night. How true they are.

I almost celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary.
But I didn't.

Instead, I gained five precious children over the course of a 14 year marriage.

"Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you."

Letting go...

2010-06-21T11:00:00.003-04:00

Letting go can be one of the most difficult tasks to accomplish. After being with my children, providing years of guidance and protection, I am forced to step back and watch, hoping that there are no stumbles. My heart aches. As a mother, I want to protect them forever and I'm just not able to. Lord, give me strength and guidance to get through this. Please keep my children safeand surrounded by your love and protection when I am unable to be there with them.

Ready? Aim... FIRE!

2010-06-20T19:36:00.005-04:00

Saturday, I had the pleasure of watching my children play paintball. They were invited by one of my friends to an annual paintball event. The older two were able to actually play in the games while the youngest three played ball, ate and socialized with others. They were also given the chance to shoot the paintball guns at barrels or trees. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had pretty good aim. It was a great day! I was able to capture many pictures but decided to share these five first.

Austin post-hit. It's not mustard around his
mouth or on his forehead. It splattered thru
his mask.

Jacob all geared up and waiting for
the next game.

Jonathon getting his chance to shoot.

Emilee's turn to shoot.

Katelyn's turn to shoot.

Torn

2010-06-18T13:28:00.003-04:00

Jagged-ripped in pieces and thrown to the ground. My eyes watching as each piece falls and lands as it may. No control to place them back where they belong. It takes time, time I'm unable to predict. Time, I'm unable to control. My arms, extended, reaching out hoping to capture the next piece before it falls. Anxious to gently place it back into where it once was. Where it belongs. Wanting to feel whole, complete- yet still feeling so torn.

Desperate to wake up...

Standing there, helpless and hopeless as each part was ripped from my chest. Watching intently in disbelief as others walked upon the remenents of my heart as if they were a welcome mat. Their footprints, forever embedded. The heart, once wore upon my sleeve, has been ripped away.

Pleading... release me from this nightmare...

Silently, I wept for what might have been. The dreams and hopes I had once envisioned were gone. The life I had built, giving my body-my mind-my soul, was only a dream in and of itself. The harsh reality was that the dream was over and it was now time to wake up.

Eighteen years have come and gone. They have shaped me into the person I was.
I was...
I was...

I no longer am!

Slowly, I emerge from the past 18 years, rediscovering myself.

The one who never was is now becoming!

I still wear my heart on the same sleeve, although now, it stands out with a unique scar for all to see. I am who I am. Nothing more, nothing less.

Simple Woman

2010-06-15T00:35:00.004-04:00

When I hear others say things positive things about me, I still have doubt. I don't see what they do. I was never told those things. I was never praised for anything. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. So through the years, I not only let others beat me down but I also did so too. It has taken a lot of soul searching and many conversations with wonderful people to allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe, I am worthy. I am finally beginning to believe that I do have desirable qualities.

Fact is, I'm a simple woman with simple needs, desires, and goals. To love and be loved unconditionally is important to me. To feel desired, respected, emotionally supported, and encouraged is important to me. To have trust, honesty and communication in a relationship is important to me. Unfortunately, what I had been shown through the years and accepted to be the norm were not these traits. Wow, have my eyes been opened.

And now, I stand with my eyes wide open, in awe of what I have been shown and the possibilities before me.

The fog has lifted

2010-06-14T01:35:00.002-04:00

Shoulders, heavy with burdens, are tender to the touch. Unable to move freely, being held back by invisible restraints. The mind, boggled with information, tries to focus. The spirit, feeling defeated, shuts down. Where have I gone and why am I here? The words echo as they fall upon deaf ears.

I struggle, remembering I must breathe. I grasp at any ray of hope, grateful to have another moment. My eyes search for acceptance. Where is this place I have found? Who have I become?

Dropping to my knees, I lay my burdens at His feet. For he knows my deepest fears and my greatest sorrows. Before him, I am reminded I no longer must travel this journey alone. The burdens I once carried have been taken away. The pain, simply too much to bear, has lifted. The spirit has begun to rise.

The decision to let go and let Him take over has blessed my life greatly. No longer do I carry the heavy burdens alone, for He is there even in the darkest hours to lend a helping hand. In fact, the words I believed to have fallen upon deaf ears, were not unheard. He heard them. He listened. He acted. He granted. He provides.

When all hope seems lost, fall to your knees. Lay your burdens at His feet and prepare to be amazed at the abundance of blessings He will bestow upon you.

If only a moment...

2010-06-14T00:58:00.005-04:00

Austin,
I have had the honor of watching you grow from a dependant child into an astounding young man. Today, I was able to capture your youthful innocence, even if for only a moment. You are now an official fifth grader; however, always remember to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Congratulations, Son. I'm proud of you and love you with all of my heart.
Love,
Mom

Austin after his 4th grade graduation

Unsteady, Unstable Miracles

2010-06-13T23:07:00.004-04:00

The first step to getting the things you want
out of life is this:
Decide what you want. Ben Stein

Unable to predict the future, I walked with unsteady steps along an unstable ground. Each step was taken cautiously, one foot in front of the other.

There are two primary choices in life:
to accept conditions as they exist, or
accept the responsibility for changing them. Denis Waitley

It was along that unstable path that the decisions to make a better life for my children and I was made. I knew that I had the knowledge and the power to do anything I desired.

Where you end up isn't the most important thing.
It's the road you take to get there.
The road you take is what you'll look back on and call your life. Tim Wiley

Looking ahead at what could be while looking back from where I came from has allowed me to stay grounded along this journey. I learned to focus on the here and now rather than to focus too much on where my path in life leads me.

Life is what happens to you while
you're busy making other plans. John Lennon

By taking the focus off of the desired end results, I am able to enjoy the journey more passionately and with a greater appreciation than before.

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein

I have chosen to live my life as though everything is a miracle. Each day is a gift I have been given to make a difference. Whether it is a difference in the lives of my family, my friends or a complete stranger, I have the ability to make a difference. The fact that I have been given an opportunity to make a difference is a miracle in my eyes.

What a difference

2010-06-10T22:33:00.006-04:00

Six months ago, the children and I started over. With each passing month, we grew in ways we never thought we could. We worked through our grief in individual ways. There were tears, outbursts, anger, attitudes and emotional meltdowns along the way; however, no matter what we faced, we worked through it. The children and I learned that we really are not that different at all.

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” -Colin Raye

The six of us have learned that our time together is limited. Whether it is playing outdoors, walking to the park or taking a bike ride, it is time spent together that we are able to make precious memories. Each day is a day passed that we are unable to get back. I am so thankful to have the time to spend with them, making memories and enjoying the little things.

We are all doing wonderfully. Jacob has turned 13. It is hard to believe that I'm the mother of a teenager. How does that happen? Jacob is completing his 7th grade year tomorrow. He has the attitude now to go along with his age. It's a difficult stage for both of us. Inside, I know that he is still grieving and processing everything that has happened this year. Unfortunately, he chooses to internalize many of his frustrations and disappointments which then causes him to lash out inappropriately. This will be a difficult process; however, we will make it through.

Austin is now 10. The year of double digits. He is completing his fourth grade year and is looking forward to the fifth grade. He has such a tender heart and it truly breaks my heart to see him hurting. He is learning each and everyday that life is not fair and no matter what we want, sometimes we just can't have it. He is still doing fantastic in school and really enjoys it. Some of his favorite subjects are Science and History.

Katelyn is 8, quickly approaching her 9th birthday. She will be finishing up her third grade year tomorrow. She absolutely loves school. Kate has started a book series and spends a great deal of time reading. Most recently, she's started playing school with her siblings. Unfortunately, she has been displaying some pretty intense moodswings lately. While she is trying to figure out how to stay in control of them, I am learning how to keep my sanity during her episodes.

Emilee is now 7. She will complete first grade tomorrow. Emilee has started to become more concerned with her hair, her clothes and her newest favorite, nail polish! She has started using the phone to call her friends and comes home with random phone numbers from time to time. It is such a joy to see her developing into a young lady. Unfortunately, she too has taken on some moodswings. I am certain that I will end up with extra grey hair from Emilee. She is a spit-fire, for sure.

Jonathon is 4. He's my little man. Each and everyday he brings great joy and laughter to my life. He has developed his own personality and lets it shine for all to see. He has recently moved from riding a tricycle to riding a two-wheeler with training wheels. He sure does think he's hot-stuff! He still has another year home before he will be attending school. I'm thankful for that extra time I will get to spend with him before he ventures off into big kid land.

As far as myself, I'm doing well. Everyday brings new things to learn from and adjust to. I am mid-way through my Medic program and am loving it. It's a great deal of work but I know in the end it will be so rewarding! I am focusing on myself in spirit, mind and body. In April, I ended up having my gallbladder removed unexpectedly. I'm still having some GI issues post-removal but the pain is substantially less than before. I've lost weight, several inches, changed nine pant-sizes and have picked up running. I'm overcoming what I thought six months ago was impossible.

Each day is a blessing. Each moment, a gift. Time spent with my children, irreplaceable. And so, my focus remains on them. It always has been and always will be!

What are you focused on?

~Blessings, my friends~

Happy Memorial Day!!

2010-05-31T13:58:00.004-04:00

Wishing each of you a Happy Memorial Day. Please take the time to remember those who sacrifice for us or who have sacrificed for us in the past. Have a fantastic day!

They're bloomin...

2010-05-23T13:07:00.003-04:00

The kids, that is. They are growing like weeds! Here's a recent photo of them.

I'll post an update soon. For now, we are headed out for some fun in the sun! Have a great day!

Until next time...

Back in the swing of things...

2010-05-14T21:51:00.003-04:00

The kids and I are starting to get back into the swing of things! It's now been five months since we started over and each day brings a bit more peace than the last. The kids are doing great! They are thriving and enjoying themselves as the school year begins to wind down. I, on the other hand, am in the second of three semesters of my paramedic program with no break in sight. All in all, life is good and we are very blessed.

Blessings to all,
-Me

Happy 7th Birthday, Emilee

2010-05-02T22:31:00.002-04:00

To see her special letter, take a look. :)

http://loveyoux5.blogspot.com/2010/05/happy-birthday-emilee.html

Three Months down...

2010-02-28T10:41:00.006-05:00

Time has continued to move forward, sometimes too slowly. It's been three months now since the world I was living in was rocked, similar to my very own earthquake. Each day brings reminders of what I thought my life was as well as what it truly is. The house is now filled with things of mine, reminders of what is waiting out there for the children and I, and of course the reminders that I have five amazing children who love and need me.

I have to admit, three months ago I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt intense pain every single day. I suppose that is expected when you truly love someone, give them everything you have and they walk away.

Now three months later, I see that light. I'm beginning to feel the incredible feelings that I thought I'd never feel again. I've met some amazing people who actually encourage me, show their feelings, and let me be me. They genuinely care and have concern for what the children and I are dealing with at any particular point. They are willing to jump in and help out with even the slightest thing. These are things I have not had in a long time. It feels great to have those in my life again.

Slowly, the recovery process is being carried out, at least for me. Unfortunately, I'm left to be the one to pick up the pieces and finish the job, again! When "HE" left here, he took his basic things and was gone, leaving behind everything else. The dining room was still packed full of boxes from the previous move. The garage is packed full of his things which all need to be gone through. Every single day, I have to look at these things because he left them here. For him, out of sight is out of mind. For me, It's a slap in the face day in and day out. It's been three months now, he should have had his things gone long ago. I sure hope that his new admirer enjoys clutter because he has more than his share to take from here as well as from his parents house. I've done more than my share of boxing up his items for him from inside the house. It's not my job to do his work for him anymore. I've done that long enough. Now someone else can do that for him. I hope they enjoy it.

This weekend I sent another load of his stuff home with him. I have about ten more boxes to go through in the house and then his presence will no longer linger in my home. I'll admit, it was rather difficult this weekend as I unloaded the boxes filled with our wedding items. The wine glasses were completely shattered, just as he shattered our marriage, vows and all. The cake knives, the wedding pictures, everything except the cards and wedding book. Those disappeared months ago when he decided to throw a box of MY things in a fire without opening it to see what was inside. Another reflection on how he threw himself into a fire without realizing the leap he was taking. It's ironic how once the repercussion's surface, he starts to realize just what he's done, what he's lost, what he's given up and what he will no longer have in his life. I suppose he's finally realizing that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Maybe if he had taken the marriage vows to heart "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad..." he would have realized that marriages are work, hard work. Things are not handed over to you. You don't get to pick and choose the good times and forget the bad. Maybe, just maybe, he should remember back over the last 14 years and see all of the changes that I made in order to support his decisions. To support his job changes, his endeavors, his demands and ultimately the decision that would lead him to be closer to his mistress and farther away from his family.

Looking back, I have seen that I've given myself so freely through the years. Once I started having a mind of my own, standing up for myself, and realizing that I do have a say in where I live, the dreams I pursue, and that my life goals are attainable, he started having issues. I am a strong, determined, hardworking, giving, loving woman. I have dreams, desires and goals and I refuse to sit back and watch them pass me by.

I became focused on reaching those goals and unfortunately for him, he was unable to handle the responsibilities that it then put on him. Yes, he had to step up and watch the children (HIS CHILDREN) more often. Yes, he had to put forth more effort for the family home, contribute to the chores, etc. Apparently, it also cut into his play time with his mistress as well. Heaven forbid, he forget the years and years I've supported him and taken on the responsibilities at home so that the children would have the best upbringing we could give them. How easy it was for him to forget the hours I'd put into raising our children while he was off doing things for him, making sure all doctor, dental, and other appointments were made and attended. The hours I spent making sure the children had clothing that fit them, appropriately aged toys, and making sure the items that were not fitting for them were packed up and donated. Cleaning the house, scrubbing the floors, bathtub, toilets, sinks, and actually moving the furniture so that whatever may be shoved under it could be cleaned as well. Making sure bills were taken care of, groceries were bought, and what about the kids... Who made sure their rooms were tended to? Who sat with them for hours and hours making sure their homework was done? Who stayed in contact with their teachers, counselors, and doctors? The field trips, parties, notes from school and after school activities...who took care of that? Who made sure the kids were in sports which meant I took on practices four nights a week in two different locations all while tending to the other three young children? It was I that did that all while pulling 16 to 20 credits in college all without the help of HIM. Who supported HIM when he decided that he wanted to switch plants or shifts? How many nights was I alone with the children while he was off tending to the needs of others to fufill his own desires? And yet, even though I was alone the majority of the time, it was he who chose this road and then asked me why I had pushed him out. Go figure. The numerous lies he told about not being able to switch shifts or not being able to take time off work for things such as his son's recent SURGERY...lies! All lies!

The best indicator of your future is to look at your past. My "track record" speaks for itself. Those that have taken the time to truly know me, know about the sacrifices I've made through the years. I find it ironic that the blame is being shifted over onto me and yet HE is unable to look people in the face. At least he gave a more truthful, even if not fully honest, answer to the courts when he stated how long this affair had been in progress. Apparently, he is not only able to lie directly to me but also everyone else around him, friends, family and even his mistress. For if he hadn't told the mistress so many lies that she too, obviously believes, then she would see things a bit clearer. I still can't fathom how someone can come home, make love to their spouse, talk about their dreams, the future, the present, share the things we did and then the next day "confess." To know that he had been sleeping with me the entire time that this had gone on as well as with her, sickens me. To know that he felt the need to climb into my bed the same night he told me he had been unfaithful for over the last year is appalling.

Did she know you were sleeping with both of us until the very end?

If so, then she is as sick as he is. And if not, now you have a glimpse of my world. Just beware, his "track record" shows that you, the current mistress, are not the first nor will you be the last!!!! You may enjoy the hose you're playing with now but real firemen use bigger hoses to get the job done right. Enjoy the ride...while it lasts.

First comes Love...Second comes Marriage...Third comes...

2010-02-14T23:20:00.008-05:00

First comes Love...

Love! What a magical, inspirational, glorified word. Some say it too often without meaning while others say it too little. Some give it unconditionally and freely and others well, not so much.

Truly, what IS love? I thought I knew. I was certain it was LOVE I had felt. I was sincere in expressing it. It was expressed several times a day in both actions and words. I was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in LOVE. And so...I married. After 18 years together and 14 years of marriage, my love was no longer enough. My LOVE never faded but somewhere along the way, someone else pulled away and started putting LUST in it's place.

And so I ask you, What is Love?

Is it a word you throw around freely? Is it something you say out of habit? Are you mistaking "Love" for what is indeed LUST?

Here are a few different views on LOVE...

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles

Quite the opposite, in my opinion. Love Hurts! If you truly LOVE, you will never be able to walk away from it so freely.

"Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed." - John Tarrant

I must agree with this as actions speak louder than words. This goes for every relationship you encounter. That in which involves your children, your friends, your family, your significant other, etc.

"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away." - Dorothy Parker

Again, so very true.

"Love is friendship set on fire." - unknown

True...so true!

"Love stretches your heart and makes you big inside." - Margaret Walker

True...until your heart is broken.

"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

Again, actions speak louder than words!

Evualate your life. Are you mistaking Love for Lust? Have you ever really loved someone? Define love as it pertains to you.

May you each find true long term love.

Second comes Marriage

Marriage felt right for me. I truly thought I had found *the* one that I would spend the rest of my life with. I remember the day well, proposing in the way that you did, even after the failed attempt previously. After dating for over 4 years, we finally took the plunge and married. At 18 and 20 years old, we heard it all. "This will never last."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

In 1995, we were wed.
In 1996, I went back to work, we became pregnant.
In 1997, we bought our first home, had our first child and I encouraged your move to become a firefighter.
In 1998, we struggled with infertility I went back to work and lost a loved one.
In 1999, we became pregnant again and lost several loved ones.
In 2000, we welcomed our second child, I encouraged you on a new job offer, struggled without insurance.
In 2001, we welcomed our third child.
In 2002, School years were beginning for the children...
In 2003, we welcomed our fourth child and bought our second home.
In 2004, A new year faced after learning of the infidelity.
In 2005, we became pregnant again
In 2006, we welcomed our fifth and final child.
In 2007, child bearing years were over.
In 2008, we moved to our third home
In 2009, you broke your family after breaking your vows over and over years ago and till the present.

"It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced." - anonymous quote

Over the years...
I encouraged you in your endevors
I supported you in your decisions
I struggled along with you when things seemed impossible to face.
I gave you my attention, my heart, my soul and my word
I laughed with you, at you, together.
I loved you unconditionally
I praised you for who you were to friend, family and to the world.
I lived every day for my children, my marriage, yet letting ME disappear.
I learned to live, laugh, love and enjoy life for ME which meant letting YOU go.

So now, I wish you a peaceful journey. You and you alone will now be faced with what was, what could have been, and what you threw away.

May your journey be a learning experience for you filled with self discovery. I'm discovering more and more of myself each and every day!

Third comes babies in a baby carriage
“Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.” - Dr. Haim Ginott

My children are MY life. I can't possibly imagine life without them. They joy that radiates from their faces, the loud belly laughs, the love that they share and their innocence. I love every little thing about them.

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them” - Oscar Wilde

I am blessed to be the Mother of five angels who left this world too soon and five children who I am blessed to share each day with.

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone

It was my first wedding anniversary when we discovered that I was expecting. Excitement filled the air as well as the months that led to the delivery of my first child, a son. Complications filled the last several weeks of my pregnancy. Bedrest wasn't helping the climbing blood pressure. At 36 weeks 6 days, the blinding effects of the "worst headache" I had ever encountered surfaced. At the hospital with only my insurance card and drivers license, I was informed that my blood pressure had surfaced to dangerous levels and they would be taking the baby. Jacob, born 3 weeks early, joined the world at a whopping 6lb 9oz.

Many months of trying followed by numerous tests, surgeries, and visits to infertility specialists were the next step. Trying to become pregnant with child #2 was not in my favor. Seventeen months later, I was pregnant with #2.

My second pregnancy started off rough and only led to a more difficult pregnancy. By 5 weeks, I had begun to bleed and was placed on bedrest. This continued until week 17, when yet another hospital visit led to a diagnosis. Partial Placental abrution. I was told to plan a funeral rather than for a delivery. It didn't look good. I told to continue bedrest and not lift a finger as doing anything even as light as vacuuming would cause the pregnancy to end. Devastation set in as well as determination. I was placed on medications to stop contractions, bedrest continued and the weeks slowly went by. At 29 weeks, I went into labor. Several rounds of Mag Sulfate, hospital bedrest, Betamethosome injections to develop lung maturity, more meds and even more determination kept me pregnant. I would NOT let my body fail me now. Five weeks early, Austin was born. Weighing a whopping 6lb 13 oz, he was healthy!

Life seemed great! I was blessed with two fantastic children yet still longed to have a daughter. Little did we know, just five months later, we would be pregnant again. A fall down the steps resulted in a little life lost too soon. Pure devistation!

Only ten months after our second child was born, we found out we were expecting again. As if it were going to follow the last pregnancy, complications ensued. Countless trips to the hospital for meds, fluids, bedrest, and testing followed. Premature labor threatened us and eventually my water broke seven weeks early. I was hospitalized, told I would be in the hospital for the next 7 weeks. My heart broke. How could that happen? I had two toddlers home that NEEDED me. I developed a uterine infection which caused me to have to deliver her for her safety. Katelyn was born six weeks early weighing in at a mere 4lb 6oz. She was wisked off to the RNICU where she spent five long days in the there. Leaving the hospital with empty arms is almost unbearable. She was discharged only to have to return due to menigitis. She was again hospitalized for a week.

As everything started to settle down, life seemed to be falling into place. More heartbreak followed as another angel was lost January 9th and Mothers Day of the same year. I was blessed but still had an empty space in my heart as I thought about my precious children who were taken too soon.

Soon we learned we were pregnant again. Just as previous pregnancies, this one didn't give me a break. Started off with bleeding, medications, and bedrest. At 16 weeks, a cerclage was placed to stitch the cervix closed. Surely this would work. It had to. Each day was a gift and one more day to the birth of a healthy child. Again, premature labor followed by many weeks in the hospital. When oral meds wouldn't do it, we went to IV meds delivered at home. I was willing to do whatever it took. Stabbing yourself with a needle, middle of the night Med changes, and lying in the bed to gain another day was what I did in order to save my child. Nine weeks early, my water broke. Again, I was hospitalized. The cerclage was removed and I was told I'd be spending the next 9 weeks on complete bedrest in the hospital. Our little fighter would have nothing like that going on. Eight weeks early, Emilee was born weighing only 4lb 4oz. She was fighting from the beginning. Again, she was rushed to the RNICU where she would be aided to breathe. Again, I left the hospital with empty arms. Devisted! Emilee spent ten days in the hospital before I was able to bring her home.

We felt complete! We had defied the risks and had four healthy children. Promises were made that he would go have the surgery. Months followed and another two angels were created yet lost too soon. My heart couldn't comphrend this.

I remember it vividly. July 4, 2005. I had just enrolled in college to finish my dreams. We had gotten rid of all the infant clothing and items, donating them to a local shelter. Everything was falling into place. And then... the classic signs of feeling pregnant surfaced. When those two little lines appeared, I knew that the signs were a reality. We were pregnant AGAIN! And so, just as the other pregnancies progressed with complications, this one was no exception. We began it with bleeding, a cerclage placement and moved on to premature labor, medications and soon to follow was a case of mag sulfate. Premature labor occurred at 23 weeks in which they were able to stop. More medications, home IVs and hospital bedrest were the routine. Contractions couldn't be halted and a trip to the hospital followed. More mag sulfate which would not stop the labor this time caused a transfer to another more well equipped hospital with a RNICU. Once there, the cerclage was removed and I was told delivery would follow soon after. Imagine their surprise when it stopped!! A few more days to keep the baby safe was the only thing I could think about. And so, after some more bedrest, we were sent off to wait. Seven weeks early, my water broke. I went to the hospital and was informed that an emergency c-section was needed. I was whisked off to the OR where my precious son was born 7 weeks early followed by a second surgery to tie my tubes. Jonathon was born weighing in at 5lb 1oz and was whisked off to the RNICU. A third trip to the RNICU as a parent is devastating. After 14 very long days and nights, Jonathon was able to come home.

This time, our family was complete.

Again, promises were made and not followed through with.

Sixteen months later, masses were found which resulted in a full hysterectomy at only 30 years old. It was certain now that my days of bearing anymore biological children were over.

It was time to be thankful, grateful and enjoy the five precious children that were here with me. And so, that is what I did. I put my children first, not only when I was carrying them but from everyday since. I would do anything for my children.

If you ever allow anything or anyone to come between you and your children, you are a fool. Children are a gift from above, always.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life." -Maureen Hawkins

To my children,
I have loved you from the moment I knew you were created.
I have always placed you first, above all others.
I will guide you along the paths of life.
If ever you have a question, I will answer honestly.
When you are sad, my arms are here to hold you.
When you are scared, I will comfort and protect you.
When you are hurting, I will do everything in my power to lessen the pain.
I will be here, always and forever for each of you.

I love you, my precious children. Each and every day of my life. May the Lord be with anyone who tries to come between us.

I am a survivor

2010-02-01T22:53:00.004-05:00

Life has changed tremendously in the last two months. Sometimes, I pinch myself just to remember that I'm not dreaming. This is my new life! The first month was pretty rough. So many changes came that first month for the children and I. We had to learn a new routine that involved only the six of us. I became a single mom of five young children who needed reassurance, sometimes hourly, that Momma was not going anywhere.

The holidays approached but this year, things were so different. Traditions were changed. The children were blessed beyond belief by some wonderful people that made sure this Christmas was just as important as previous ones. I made sure to do my best at creating the holiday spirit for the kids even though at times, I wanted nothing to do with the holiday. The tree was decorated. I wrapped each present and carefully placed them under it. Each stocking was filled with goodies. And I awaited the smiles that would cross the faces of my children on Christmas morning.

After the holidays, the hustle and bustle of returning to school became the focus. The kids returned to classes, I began full time paramedic school and life kept moving forward.

As we begin February 2010, I am reminded that just as 2009 has come to a close and just as January 2010 has closed, the chapter in my life that began 18 years ago is in it's final stages and soon will be closed as well. The memories and my children will be carried on into the new chapter that has already begun.

I have had countless hours of deep self reflection and have learned so much about myself over the last two months. I am a survivor. I will be just fine. I'm seeing that with each and every day that passes.

I am stronger than I ever thought I was. Even in my deepest moments of despair, I am strong enough to maintain my dignity, my self respect, my composure, and continue to stay true to my values, morals, and ethics. Others will continue to try to break me down, yet I refuse to let them. I know who I am. I know what I stand for. And I know that I have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I have done nothing wrong.

I am an amazing mother who has sacrificed the last twelve years of my life for my five wonderful children. I will continue to sacrifice whatever it takes in order to give my children the absolute best life I possibly can. The life they deserve! I am an unconditional friend who would lend a helping hand to anyone I could. My love radiates to all of those in my life. I am a hard working, dedicated, loving woman who is willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goals she has set in her life. Nothing you say or do will ever stop me from doing that. I will make a better life for my children and myself. The power is now mine! You will not stop me nor hold me back from my dreams.

I have learned that I have the most wonderful friends ever! When I reach out for a hand, someone is always there to grab hold and lead me out of the darkness. This path has dark moments. It has painful moments. There are times that I am not able to venture on this journey alone. Those are the times that the many blessed friends I am surrounded by reach out to me, take my hand and lead the way. I thank God each and every day for every single one of you. You are amazing!

Although this journey has taken me down painful paths, I have found many new friends along the way. I have learned that I am not the only one who has been broken down by infidelity. Unfortunately, there are way too many of us that have experienced this devastating, all-too-common incident. To you, my new friends, I'm sorry we have met on such terms. I will be forever grateful; however, for the bonds we have formed. There is nobody that can quite understand where you're at, what you're feeling, or truly know what it is like unless they have been there. You, my friends, know. I'm sorry you've been hurt as well but grateful that we have had the opportunity to meet and share our experiences together. May we have many years of friendship ahead.

I have learned that no matter how long you've known someone, you never really KNOW them. It's sad, really.

I have learned that those who are guilty can never admit their guilt. Instead, they run from the truth. Eventually, that catches up to them.

I've learned that the grieving process is a difficult process. While one will grieve in the beginning, the other will be preoccupied. Eventually, the first person becomes a stronger, better person and moves on with their life while the other person must then deal with their loss for the first time.

I have learned that gratification may not be instant. In time, all good things come to those who wait. The beginning may be torture but in time, that torture turns into triumph as you sit back and watch others have to wade through the mess they have created.

I have learned that Karma exists.

I have learned that no matter how good you think you are at telling lies, they will be uncovered and you will be exposed for who you really are. The truth truly does set you free.

I have learned that misery loves company. I'm glad that three's a crowd. I don't have to be the misery or the company any longer.

I have learned that you never truly know what you're missing out on when you have settled for what you believed to have been "normal".

I have learned that relationships are never suppose to be one sided. There should always be 100% from both sides. A true partner will be there all the time to walk along the path of life with you, not just when it is convenient or feels good.

I have learned that there are still some amazing people left in this world and I'm so glad to have found them.

The past two months have opened my eyes up to a whole new world. While sadness fills my heart at times, the joy and endless possibilities ahead overshadow that sadness and I am once again reminded that I am a survivor!

Happy 4th Birthday, Sweetheart

2010-01-25T02:29:00.004-05:00

Four years ago, I was blessed with my fifth and final child. Although the journey was a long struggle, the months of uncertainty and fear were washed away the first time I was able to hold my precious son.

Jonathon Robert was born into the world seven weeks premature. Although he was not the only child born early, he was the only one born by a c section and the third who spent many long days in the RNICU.

Jonathon is now a thriving, intelligent, loving, typical four year old boy. It's amazing how far he has come.

I love you, Jonathon.

Love,
Mommy

I wish you...

2010-01-02T04:39:00.001-05:00

Over the past month, I have watched my life unfold from what I thought was a perfectly wrapped gift into an immense, heaping pile of a crumpled mess. How fitting that this happened during the holiday season when the focus is on gifts, beautifully wrapped and given to those most deserving in your life.

The last four weeks have been difficult. There are stages that one must travel through when you are dealing with such intense grief. The death of a marriage, especially when you are kept in the dark for over a year and taken by complete surprise, is devastating. When you pour your heart and soul into creating a marriage, a family, a life only to have it ripped out from under your feet is shocking. To be told by the one person that you thought you could trust that he had been emotionally and physically involved with someone else for over the past year is like having someone rip your heart out of your chest. To know that you had given your all to him only to have him give himself to someone else is an indescribable pain, especially when it happens more than once.

Everyone said that things do get easier with each passing day. The first two weeks, I couldn't imagine how any of this could become easier. Easy seemed so far out of my vocabulary. My world had been shattered. My life, unrecognizable. Each day was a struggle. I watched him walk away from his family, his responsibilities, from our marriage so that he could play and enjoy his newfound freedom with her. I had to push myself just to get out of bed and perform my daily functions. My life, although it seemed over, still went on. The world did not stop so that I could deal with my grief. My children needed me more than ever. The household still had to function. Life moved on and once again, my strength came through and allowed me to pick up the pieces that he left scattered on the floor.

Four weeks later, I still try to wrap my mind around this; however, I know deep in my heart that I will never be able to. I will never understand how you can intentionally hurt those that you declare to love so deeply in the fashion that it was done. Unimaginable. To be so deceitful, dishonest, and carry yourself in such a cowardly fashion is unexplainable. How difficult it must have been to live such a double lifestyle for so long. Once you weave such a tangled web of lies, it entraps you, allowing you to spin lie after lie until eventually you can’t keep up with them any longer.

Through this all, people have and will continue to form their own opinions, including your children. Just as each coin has two sides, so does each story. The evidence speaks for itself and it is very abundant. I know who I am, what I stand for, and that I am not to blame for your infidelities throughout the years. Those who you thought you could trust with your dirty little secrets have come out of the woodwork and exposed you for who you really are. The credibility, integrity, ethics, and morals become questionable when things are done out of pure deceit. Every day brings a new deception, more damning evidence and more lies that had been woven so tightly but are now becoming an unwoven mess that falls around you, trapping you inside and preventing your escape. From the inside, you continue to believe that the window into your soul is tinted, prohibiting those on the outside from seeing the real you and all that you have done. However, the window to your soul is clear, allowing everyone around you to take a glimpse inside, witnessing your troubled, broken soul. From the outside, it is painfully obvious.

And so, life moves on. A new beginning. A new chapter. It's still difficult. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. The pain, sometimes so overwhelming, is still there. The disappointment increases with each day. The broken promises continue to increase as well. The fear of the unknown takes my breath away. For I must now find a new life, for the life I thought I had made was nothing but a farce. Everything I had hoped for, dreamed about, worked towards in hopes of creating a better life for my family is gone! The values that I thought were important to both of us were only important to one of us. I am saddened by the loss of what I thought we had and what I thought we stood for. However, with each passing day, I am discovering that all of those things were created on lies. When something is built on lies it has no other choice but to crumble.

Something built on truth, trust, morals, love and a solid foundation will flourish into something magnificent. I know that my magnificent is out there, waiting to be discovered. I will discover it. It may not be this year and it may not be next year but in time, I will find love again. True love. Love that is pure, healthy, and abundant. Love that is unconditional. I will find someone that not only extends their love to myself but most importantly, to my children. Someone who is willing to accept them unconditionally. I know that the wait will be worth it. Until then, I will guard the hearts of my children and myself for I know what is best for them. I, being the adult, know that the minds and hearts of my children are confused and broken. They are traveling a new road just as I. And while they may put a front on for you, they are hurting inside. They are afraid. They are filled with uncertainty. They walk this path with unsteady steps for fear that if they express disappointment, hurt, anger, or disagree with you, that you will leave them all together.

You have hurt them beyond anything you will ever comprehend. Allowing a new person into their lives less than two weeks after their family unraveled is selfish. For if this were “true love” then why the rush to bring her into their lives? You will find that they will grow to resent you for these actions. Your limited time with the children should be focused on them, not on creating a new instant family. She may have started “playing house” with my husband but she will NEVER take the place of me in the lives of my children. The children have one mother, period.

Try as you may, these children do see through your selfish ways. They do see where your loyalty lies. They see where your commitment is. They are much smarter than you give them credit for. You believe that the children are fine and have no issues with regards to creating this instant new family or your abandonment. This idea is far from the truth. I would encourage you to sit with them in a counseling session, read their journals, and research what you can on the various ways a divorce will impact a child. Or perhaps you are too afraid of what you may find out.

And so, I wish you luck. You will need it, as will she. As you both are enjoying your greener grass on the other side, keep in mind that what comes around, goes around. While you are off building your new life on lies, deceit, infidelity, lust and instability the children and I are building a much bigger, brighter, solid future without you.

I wish you...

2010-01-02T04:39:00.000-05:00

Starting Over!

2009-12-22T11:24:00.002-05:00

Life's about change, or at least that's what I've been told. That proved to be true for the children and I. On the morning of November 30th, we were told that the past year of our lives had been nothing but a lie. Their father and my husband for the last 14 years had been having a long-time affair. Our lives were shattered! We are now slowly rebuilding a new life without him.

The children have questions that I am unable to answer. Their emotions are all over the place on a day to day basis. They are dealing with the sudden seperation of their parents as well as having a new woman being brought into their lives already. It's a pain that I'm not able to take away for them. Oh, how I wish I could.

Each day is another day forward for us. The six of us will move on and make a better life for us.

Blessings to you all,
Becky & the kids

The Hunt was Successful!!

2009-11-17T00:53:00.007-05:00

Jacob scored his first TWO deer!

On the morning of Nov 16, 2009, he shot a button buck. He was a yearling and weighed approximately 80#.

In the evening, he shot a four point buck. This deer weighed 140#.

We are so proud of him.

Never enough...

2009-11-09T23:59:00.005-05:00

Photos of my little ones to share with you all. Here are a few more as I await those magic words to come spilling out of my thoughts and on to the computer screen.

Jonathon & Katelyn

Jacob

Jonathon

Katelyn

Austin

The Crew

Jacob & Jonathon

Jonathon

Emilee

Katelyn

Halloween 2009 Photo

2009-11-09T23:47:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know! It's been over a month since the last update. Shame on me!

Here is a photo from Halloween 2009. The kids sure have grown up!

I have many things on my mind but just can't seem to get them onto the computer screen. I will work on that.

Until then...

Checking in...

2009-10-03T16:17:00.004-04:00

Good afternoon to each of you! I hope this afternoon finds you all happy and healthy! If you're a MSU fan, I'm sure you're quite happy! :)

I wanted to touch base with everyone about what has been going on as of late. Most of you already know that Jacob had surgery Thursday. I want to THANK EACH OF YOU for the thoughts, prayers and well wishes that you have sent to us. It means more than you know. Tim and I are doing the best we can to not let fear creep into our thoughts but it's difficult. We should find out something late Monday afternoon or Tuesday. As soon as I know something, I'll let everyone else know too.

I also want to let you all know that in the event that you were not notified or if you feel that you haven't been kept "in the loop" it was not done with the intention of hurting your feelings. In order to keep our sanity and not having to repeat everything six hundred times, we have kept the updates and information coming via our face book page. If you are not a member of that page, send us a message and we will give you the information. I will do my best to keep this journal page updated as well.

Things have been quite busy and we feel like we are traveling in six directions at once. Not only has Tim been bounced from one shift to another, I'm still picking up shifts at the hospital, riding with the ambulance when I'm able, homeschooling the kids and working on my two college classes that I have this semester. On top of all of that, we have moved and had to have everything out of the rental house by the 1st of the month. Thankfully the owner has given us a few days extra to get the outside items out of there. Throw on everything that has gone on with Jacob this past week and the fact that my back has been out for a few weeks and you have one hefty mess!

So please, if you stop by the new house, BEWARE! There are boxes EVERYWHERE! We have the very basics put away but everything else is scattered through the house and stacked where ever there is room to put it. On a normal basis, we don't choose to live in such turmoil. Unfortunately, until things settle down some and I am able to lift, move and put things away, the house will be in turmoil. But hey, if you do stop by, the sofa and love seat are cleared off and after a year of dealing with "regular TV" we now have DirecTV! :) Our goal is to keep everything that is boxed up or not put away to be kept in the dining room. Slowly, we will get it all taken care of. I pray that by Thanksgiving, our house will feel like a HOME!

On a side note, we have two male beagles who are now a year old. If you or anyone you know would like them, PLEASE let me know. They are FREE. They were given to us and I just can't handle anything else on my plate. They NEED to go!

Have a great day and I will be in touch with you all soon!

As a side note, I'm not going to proof read this so forgive any medication induced typing or grammar errors. :)

-Becky

He's doing okay...

2009-10-02T12:18:00.002-04:00

Just updating for those of you who are NOT on my facebook page:

Jacob's surgery was yesterday. He's sore but doing okay. Emotionally, we are all a bit on edge and anxious. We continue to keep positive though that this will end up being done out of precaution instead of the worse case senerio.

They removed "3-4 matted lymph nodes" but left some others there that were enlarged. The surgeon said if he had tried to remove them all, he'd be there all day.

Now we wait for the pathology report. It should be back late today (Friday) or on Monday.

Keep praying!

Please Pray!

2009-09-30T21:12:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a while since we updated! So much has changed since I have been here last.

I will update all of that at another time; however, I am coming to you now to ask you for your prayers!

A few weeks ago we found a lump under Jacob's left arm. It continued to get larger, which prompted a visit to our family physician. After meeting with him, Jacob was scheduled for stat bloodwork and an ultrasound that day. He was also started on an antibiotic in the hopes that it was an infection causing enlarged lymph nodes. The ultrasound showed at least 3 enlarged lymph nodes with the largest being over 3.5 cm. The lymph nodes did not respond after six days of antibiotics. We called his doctor who then called the surgeon. Jacob was then scheduled to see the surgeon the next day.

We met with him today. After examining Jacob, he looked at me and said, "I'm going to call my office and have them put him on the surgery schedule for tomorrow morning."

Tomorrow morning, Thursday, Jacob will undergo lymph node removal. After removing the affected nodes, they will send them off to pathology. We should have the final pathology report late Friday afternoon or Monday morning. This will allow us to figure out what is going on in his body.

PLEASE pray for Jacob and our entire family! We definately need them!

Thanks!

Stop and smell the flowers!

2009-07-29T23:30:00.002-04:00

While glancing at my planner, I am quickly reminded that before long, the beauty of the warm, sunny, summer days will soon be over.

Earlier this week I was on my way to check the garden. As I hurried along at a rather brisk pace, Emilee ran up beside me.

"Momma, smell this pretty flower," she said.

For a brief moment, I contemplated uttering, "Honey, I don't have time. Momma's in a hurry."

But, I didn't.

My quick pace came to a complete halt. I knelt down, looked into her precious, innocent eyes, leaned forward and took a deep fulfilling breath.

Once again, she nurtured my soul.

Thank you, sweetheart. Momma needed that, I thought to myself.

At that moment, I was reminded that the time I have been given with my children will soon be a distant memory, just as these summer days. Summer will end and crisp, autumn mornings will arrive to greet us.

Don't let the precious moments that fill your life pass you by.

Stop and smell the flowers.

You will be glad you did!

July 22nd & The RUMORS!

2009-07-28T01:09:00.004-04:00

This is an entry I had written in my journal but never posted it.

July 22nd, 2009:

Have you ever sat down, taken a deep look at your life and wondered, "What the hell happened?" That has been one of my thoughts quite often lately.

Even so, I have to remind myself of how incredibly blessed we are. Truly, we have so many things to be thankful for. Most importantly, we have each other. We are blessed with family, friends, an income, and the basic necessities. We may not have all of the extra things we would like; however, we have what is important. For that, I am thankful. We are thankful!

Things have been difficult for our family over the past year. With the help of family, friends, thoughts and prayers, and faith we have continued to push through it. Has it been easy? Definitely not. It surely has been a humbling experience and one that is certainly not over yet. The ride continues. The ups and downs keep coming our way. There are times I want nothing more than to push the "stop" button, especially when we are on the up side of things. It is then; however, that I realize that in order to get to the top, you have to climb from the bottom. This is life and life will continue on like that until the day we cease to exist. It is what builds character. It is what makes us who we are.

Next month, Tim and I will celebrate another milestone in our journey, eighteen years of being together. It doesn't seem possible. Two months later, we will celebrate our fourteenth wedding anniversary.

The past few days I have done a great deal of thinking. I am reminded that this isn't where I would have expected to be nor is it where I would have chosen to be when starting our lives together. However, HERE WE ARE! Thankfully, our journey together is far from over!

The silver lining to this is no matter what I may have planned for my life, the ultimate plan was decided long before I ever thought of one. The path that we are following may have taken us by surprise but it was planned all along by Him and He isn't surprised by this path one bit. I truly believe that!

Is it one I would have chosen? Nope! Even though I can't see the end result or why I was sent down this path rather than a different one, I know that there is always a reason. In time, and certainly not my time, the reasons will be revealed. I have learned this lesson more than once in my life.

It appears that over the next few months, our family will go through another series of changes. We have taken the time to sit down with each of the children and discussed the options we have been given. We wanted to be sure the kids knew that their opinion was important to us and more importantly, mattered! This journey included them as well. We want to be sure that they take with them what is important after all of this is over. Life is not easy. Things are not just handed to you. You must make sacrifices and work hard to achieve your goals and dreams. More importantly, the love of those around you will help you through anything you face!

I am certain that with these changes will come more ups and downs. Our hope is that along the way, we can remain focused on the goal that we are trying to accomplish. We are choosing to make what we believe are the best decisions for our family. That is truly who it is about, US.

We realize that not everyone will agree with what we believe is best. That is fine. We are all entitled to our opinions. We don't ask for you to agree with us. The decisions we make for our family are for the seven of us. All we ask for is your unconditional support and encouragement as we continue down this journey.

I'll share more details when I have them...

Count your blessings,
Becky

***************
Post from Monday July 27th, 2009

The Rumors:

I have been approached by a few people within the past week to inquire about the "rumors" that have been flying around town. First, let me express just how much I love "rumors" (NOT!!) Even so, they tend to spread around a small town faster than a forest fire on a windy day.

Thank you to those of you who came forward and talked directly to us about what you were "told" or "hearing" before you went on to spread things even further.

Here are the facts:

NO, we are NOT being evicted!!!!

About a month ago, we were approached by some dear friends who knew we were thinking about moving. We were trying to figure out how we could do what we had to do and still achieve our ultimate goals.

Goal: Save enough money to purchase a home we can call OURS.

When the offer was presented to us, we really didn't think they were serious! We were quickly informed that they were indeed serious and the consideration began. It took a few weeks for us to finally decide what we were going to do. Believe me, the rumors started long before we ever made a decision!

So...

Yes, we are moving.

Yes, Tim is still laid off.

Yes, this is a decision based 90% on financial reasons.

Yes, we are moving to Stockbridge.

Yes, Tim still intends and desires to stay on the Fire Department he has devoted the past twelve years to.

Yes, we all understand "what we are doing?"

Yes, we have talked in great depth with the children about how they feel.

Yes, the children will be attending another school district.

Yes, they were given a choice in their schooling.

Yes, the kids chose what school they wanted to attend.

Yes, we made this decision as a family after a great deal of thought.

No, we don't have a date yet. It will be later this fall.

This post was to dispel the rumors that are flying around town like leaves on a windy day.

If you have questions, PLEASE ask.

July, already?

2009-07-07T03:51:00.003-04:00

It's hard to believe that it's already the first week of July. It seems that the time has flown by these last few months.

Things are going okay. Busy, as usual.

The things on our plate seem to change often. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The kids don't seem to be bothered by it, so I suppose that is a plus. Now if I could just quit finding grey hair, I'd be happy.

I haven't mastered the art of "letting things go" very easily. My stress level is surely way too high. I'm not sure that I know how to operate on anything less though.

I'm still in school. I feel like I'm making a career out of being a student. *sigh* I am debating on what path to follow for the fall but will soon have my mind made up and registered for classes.

I'm still in a summer class and have about three weeks left before I'm done with that. Next week I have to go in to give a speech. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate public speaking. Send me good thoughts. You know, the ones that help me to not be nervous!

I'm still working, a lot! I've put in to have my hours scaled back beginning mid August because I won't be able to keep up with everything if I don't.

As some may know, we have been looking for a different place to live. There isn't anything wrong with the location or house that we are in now. We just would like to find something that is ours instead of paying so much in rent every month to gain nothing. We've been hesitant to say anything, hoping not to get our hopes up or jinx ourselves; however, I think we may have found a place. We are suppose to go look at it Tuesday afternoon/evening. I will let everyone know what we find out, when we find anything out. It would involve us moving from our current town into another one about 15 miles away. It would put me closer to the ambulance and Tim farther from the Fire Department. Can we say conflict of interest. :)

Tim is still laid off from GM. He is suppose to return on Aug 10th. We shall see. That has been a nightmare that we can't seem to sort out or wake up from lately. I would like to go back to having a routine...and soon!

I ask that you send up some good thoughts for not only all of the changes that we are facing but also for our Niece. She is currently expecting her second child and we ask that you send up good thoughts that everything will turn out perfectly. She and her husband welcomed their first child, a precious Daughter, earlier this year. Sadly, she passed away. Please keep their family in your thoughts as they go through these next few months with great anticipation and some fear as well.

There really isn't much more to update everyone on. Emilee is learning to ride a "two wheeler" and can't decide if she likes it or not. The kids are playing outside from sun up until after dark. They love the outdoors.

The baby chicks have grown into grown chickens, well, and dinner. Quick story on that, Tim didn't think that anything would bother them. Needless to say, we are now six chickens short and a wild animal had a tasty dinner. Darn food chain!

Our gardens are doing great. We already have some of the crops coming on. Yum! I can't wait to have the fixings for a fresh salad!

We are gearing up for our yearly family camping trip. The kids are thrilled and I am, well, not. I'm ready for the break and ready to enjoy the time "away" but I am not looking forward to packing up everything to go. I'll survive though. I always do.

I hope that each of you enjoyed your holiday weekend. I spent mine working. Such is life, I suppose.

Keep in touch,
-Becky

A beautiful day in the Park

2009-06-30T04:43:00.007-04:00

These are a few photos that were taken this week. Enjoy!

A recap of JR's hospital admission

2009-06-30T01:14:00.002-04:00

I have been meaning to write about this but just haven’t had the time to sit down and do it. Since I'm sitting on standby with the ambulance and have nothing more than time on my hands, I thought I'd type this up to post tomorrow.

When Jonathon was in the hospital earlier this month, I had so many feelings resurface that I had tucked deep down within my soul. The last time I had to spent time in the hospital with one of the children overnight was when Jonathon was born. Those weeks in the NICU were difficult, physically and emotionally. Having those feelings resurface again were difficult for me.

I know I have written about the NICU experience previously and some of you have even been there as well. The unknown, uncertainty, lack of control and fear tend to take over no matter how hard you fight with your inner self to keep calm. Granted, this time around I did feel a tiny bit more at ease than I did during the NICU admissions but the emotions still took their hold on me.

As we spent our time tucked away on the fifth floor of the hospital, in our own little room, away from all of the other chaos that awaited us outside those doors, I couldn’t help but to be thankful for everything that we were blessed to have. One of the biggest blessings we counted was that of our five healthy children. Granted, Jonathon was admitted and we didn’t have the answers as to why but our admission was much different than most of the other children we saw there. In the hallways, we were face to face with other parents who stared into the eyes of some of the most amazing, brave children I have ever met.

During our last afternoon, we had the opportunity to spend some time with the dogs that they bring in for the patients to interact with. When we first arrived to play, a group of nurses were gathered around, signing a card. I heard one of them say that they were signing the card for a certain little boy. I thought to myself how caring these nurses are to take the time to make a card for this child. A moment later, they explained that he had passed away and they were making the card for the parents. This wasn’t a “Get Well” card. It was a “Sympathy” card. Instantly, my eyes welled up with tears.

We were joined by four other children and a few nurses from the pediatric floor. I couldn’t help but to feel guilty as I watched my son play catch with the dogs, throwing the ball down the hallway and calling them back to him. The other children were hooked to IV pumps, too weak to play, being held in their parent’s arms or sitting in a wheelchair. My observations led me to believe that these children were likely admitted due to a cancer diagnosis. Oh how my heart ached as I watched these children. Do they know how truly amazing they are or how many people they inspire?

More guilt washed over me as I sat there, remembering how many times I had thought to myself, “Can’t we just go home already?” I can’t imagine the weeks and months that these families had spent away from each other, tucked into a little room on the fifth floor of the hospital all while trying to win the fight of their life. Suddenly, all of my complaints seemed pointless.

Cherish the time you have with your children. Praise God when you have the comfort of knowing that they are happy, healthy and still home with you, even if they are driving you crazy at times. Some parents would give anything to have the chaos that we feel at times.

Be well...

One of Five

2009-06-30T01:12:00.001-04:00

Gardening
Hot
Sticky
Sweaty
A curious toddler
24 hours later
An itchy leg
48 hours later
More itchy patches covering this curious toddler’s body than non-itchy patches
Red
Oozing
Swollen
Legs
Cheek
Eyelid
Arm
Back
Belly
Butt Crack
and more...

If you haven’t gathered by now, Jonathon is covered with Poison Ivy. And after doing an inspection of his body, I have seen where his hands have been, even though they shouldn’t have been there. (Ahem, now he *really* has a reason to scratch his butt)

Honestly, I am surprised that it has taken this long for one of the children to end up with poison ivy. They are always outdoors, getting into the weeds, chasing bugs, frogs, and butterflies.

Perhaps the first four have Daddy’s immunity to the culprit. Regardless, this poor little guy is NOT happy about being covered in such an itchy mess. I sure hope it goes away quickly.

UPDATE: I wrote that post on Sunday however, since then Katelyn has now gotten it on her face, near her right eye! I'm not liking this one bit!!!

A little too late...

2009-06-25T23:20:00.001-04:00

We were cancelled enroute.

Heat Wave!

2009-06-25T22:32:00.003-04:00

Whew, it sure is hot outside in this neck of the woods! I am having a difficult time with this heat. I remember as a kid being able to play outside for hours and hours. Now that I'm an adult, it is torture!

We are one of the few that don't have central air in our home. Instead, we are using a window unit with the hopes of cooling it down a little bit.

I've been over at the ambulance base for the last two nights. So far, we have been idle. Maybe it's my "luck" that I bring along with me.

We are still trying to figure out what we are going to do regarding GM and life. Hopefully something will surface soon to give us the direction that we are looking for. Unfortunately, it's becoming difficult to compromise when one person has so many stipulations. I'll just leave it at that.

I'm beginning to wonder if my "midlife crisis" is surfacing. It sure seems like things are just slowly falling away from what I "thought" I would have at this point in my life. It's difficult to explain. Even I get confused talking about it. :)

I hope (uh oh, we have a run)

"I Do"

2009-06-21T01:18:00.011-04:00

"I Do", originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

"I Do"

2009-06-21T01:18:00.009-04:00

"I Do", originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

"I Do"

2009-06-21T01:18:00.007-04:00

"I Do", originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

"I Do"

2009-06-21T01:18:00.005-04:00

"I Do", originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

"I Do"

2009-06-21T01:18:00.003-04:00

"I Do", originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

"I Do"

2009-06-21T01:18:00.001-04:00

"I Do", originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

(no subject)

2009-06-21T00:38:00.001-04:00

(no subject), originally uploaded by Parenting With Whine.

Decisions, Decisions! Deal or NO Deal?

2009-06-16T03:21:00.003-04:00

Years ago, if you were hired into GM, it was thought that you were "set" for life. Not "set" as in rich but just taken care of. You had good pay, benefits and job security.

Fast forward to today, 2009, and you now know the real story.

Just over nine years ago, my husbands career began with GM. We adopted the same thought process as many before us and even many after us had. Worries were going to be limited with him working there. Looking back, GM has provided our family with benefits along the way. However the only perks we are getting now are when our ears perk up to listen in on the various bits and pieces of news that we hear through the grapevine.

When the hubs was laid off in April 09, he was told that it was going to be an extended layoff, one that could potentially result in a cease of his benefits 13 months later. Fast forward to a mere eight weeks later...

"Return to work on Monday."

What?

Now before I start getting the pep talks of "Just be grateful that he is returning to work" let me explain my point of view on this.

In the past week or so, they have announced that June 29 until August 10 they are going to be shut down. Laid Off.

Two weeks of this layoff, the employees must pay themselves with their vacation time and sick time in order to get compensation. The question was raised as to #1, what if you don't have enough sick time and #2, what if in the future you are sick and have to take time off but had to use all your time for this layoff. Their answers were, you are not compensated for the time that you have no vacation time to cover and that they didn't know what was going to happen if you needed time off in the future.

Vague! TOO Vague!

And so, to continue on with my point of view...

He returns for two weeks. He is laid off for six weeks. He will only receive compensation for five of those weeks, resulting in all of his vacation time and sick time being depleted for the remainder of the year. He is expecting to return to work on August 10th. HOWEVER...

What if he isn't called back? At this point, the deadline will have passed for him to have taken the buyout that was offered.

Now, I am fully aware that the buyout that was presented to the employees was substantial in the eyes of some and too little in the eyes of others. We are only trying to make a decision that is in the best interest for our family. And beleive me, it is not an easy one to make.

Given the current economic standing of the company, I don't have the faith that I once had. Things can change in the blink of an eye, just look at the past six months.

Given everything I've already listed, coupled with the fact that the hubs does not like where he works and considering the physical issues that he has from working some of these jobs, I ask him, "Why do you even consider staying?"

His answer was, "I can't just walk away. I have a family to take care of. I need to know I'm doing the right thing."

I have told him that I support his decision, whatever it may be. I can't be the one to make this decision for him. If it were me; however, I would take the buyout and walk away. I say this for several reasons.

First, the future of the company is, in my opinion, shaky. This leads me to believe that his position with the company is shaky as well.

Given the economy and the amount of foreclosed homes on the market, the chance of finding something to pay cash for is relatively high. This would eliminate a monthly mortgage payment or in our case a rent payment. Our current rent payment is high and isn't anything I could afford on my current salary. Without a rent/mortgage payment, how much money do you need to live month to month? That is the question that we are weighing heavily. For us, our biggest monthly expense is our rent payment.

How much stress would be eliminated from your life if you didn't have a monthly rent/mtg payment? For us, I'm sure it would be extremely beneficial.

Benefits are currently carried through the hubs. I; however, am eligible to carry benefits on the family through work. This fact does not concern me.

The hubs current pay vs what he will ultimately be working for if he took another job has been mentioned. Without a rent/mtg payment, we could live on a lower payscale. Besides, isn't it possible that his current pay could be cut through GM considering the status of the company? Sure, it hasn't happened yet but who is to say that the pay and/or benefits won't be cut or reduced in the future.

Since this post is long, I'll sum my point of view up with these thoughts. My fear is that if the hubs chooses to stay with the company (which I will fully support), that he will end up getting the short end of the stick in the future, whether it is by not being called back in August (missing his window to sign up for the buyout), by contract changes affecting his benefits and/or wages, or just simply by getting laid off again in the future without a buyout offer on the table. I'm not sure that I am comfortable with this game of "Deal or No Deal" when it pertains to my family! Whatever he decides, I will support him.

Out of the Mouth of Babes: Austin

2009-06-16T03:19:00.003-04:00

While going through his clothes today, downsizing, Austin said:

I have seven pairs of underware. That is enough for seven weeks.

After laughing, I asked him if he meant days. He said no.

Oh, Boy!

Just a check up...

2009-06-16T03:07:00.004-04:00

Again, the clock has continued to tick on and I haven't gotten here to update.

Jonathon is home and doing better. He is still having some issues but they are better than what it was.

Tim returned to work on Monday. I have very mixed feelings on this. I'll write my own post on that after this one.

I worked the ambulance a couple days. First night I had a run, second night-nothing!

I've been putting in as much time at the hospital as I can. I've had to cover for others as well since this is vacation time for them. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement.

The house is slowly getting on my nerves. I seem to be overwhelmed with clutter everywhere I look. I hate clutter! I cleaned out all the bathroom cabinets, the hall cabinet and requested all the clothing from the kids. I am eliminating 75% of their clothes and putting just enough back into their drawers to get them through a week. I am not joking when I say that they literally have enough clothes to dress a dozen children for at least a week. Does anyone else find this task daunting? Why is it that only the MOMS get to do it? *sigh* We are also doing their toys and everything else that is in the house.

The clincher? Everyone but DAD is willing to part with the excess. This is a huge issue between us. He won't even talk about it. All he will say is "don't hound me or we will not be friends. Just leave me alone." Why is it that he feels the need to have SO MUCH CLUTTER. I have others who helped us move the last time that will agree with me. They have even told him that if/when we move again, they will NOT move his stuff. The clutter and "treasures" he keeps is absurd! I am having serious issues with it all. I don't know how much longer I can look at all of the clutter that surrounds me. Suggestions anyone?

That's it in a nutshell. Hope you're all doing well.
-Becky

Holy Crap, Literally! Is there a FLOOD?

2009-06-10T14:10:00.002-04:00

Please forgive the delay in this. I've tried to keep everyone updated via facebook as much as I could. This is the latest news.

It's almost 2pm. We have a plan, finally! A fifth doctor came in and saw Jonathon a while ago. After doing some palpating, they determined he had a very large mass of what they believed to be stool. He's never had an issue with constipation before but they said that since he is beginning to make the transition to being a "big boy" (no more diapers), he could "hold it" and therefore, end up constipated. She thought the stool was pressing on the bladder and causing him to retain urine.

They decided to give him a suppository to see if things started moving. We removed his diaper, which they have been encouraging him to use instead of the toilet, to find that he FINALLY peed on his own!! No doctors hovering over him, scaring the pee out of him (literally) and no cath. She said that if all went well and he was able to pee and poop then we may be able to go home about 6pm tonight.

After the suppository was given, we napped. He woke up, hid behind the chair and yep, you guessed it, filled his pants! Daddy had the short straw and was granted the diaper change duty on that one. :D The only thing I got to hear was something about a "tennis ball" and the not so pleasant smell that woke me up from my nap. I must have been down wind.

So, he has successfully peed and pooped on his own. He has been started on Miralax to help keep things moving. As I'm typing this, he is making me laugh! He was on all fours, playing with the toys and stopped. He lifted his leg up and assumed the position of a dog peeing on a bush. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just peed. It hurt a little bit."

The cloud seems to be lifting here. I am SO glad to see the sunshine coming back. He has been so funny this afternoon. He's talking, playing, and just being silly. I was becoming worried but am so glad that he is doing much better than he was a few hours earlier.

As of now, it appears the cath may not be an issue for us. I can relate to the cath issue post bladder repair though. I had bladder repair with my hysterectomy and couldn't void after the surgery. I ended up coming home with a cath in place and a leg bag. NOT pleasant. I finally had enough of it and removed it on my own within a day. I wouldn't want Jonathon to have to deal with something as unpleasant as that, especially at three years old.

Thanks again for the support and listening to me babble on about this. It means alot.

Have a great day. With any luck, we will be sleeping in our own beds tonight!!

Becky

Prayers Please! Jonathon is sick...

2009-06-09T14:14:00.002-04:00

This has to be quick as we are awaiting a transfer out of here.

I worked last night, arrived home at 8am and Jonathon was sleeping. We decided we would do some driving around for a while so we woke him up and left. By 9:30am, he was complaining that his "belly" hurt. I thought maybe he had to pee so I told Tim to pull over to the side of the road. I got him out and he stood there, trying and pushing but no success. We buckled back up and kept driving. For the next hour, he was having what we now know were bladder spasms. He cried out in pain when you touched his lower abdomen. We went home and he asked me to carry him in the house. Once inside, I laid him on the floor and gently touched his "tummy". It was rock-hard. I looked at Tim and said "we need to take him in NOW!"

We arrived at the ER, was taken back immediately and an initial bladder scan was done. It showed 415 cc's in his little bladder. They cath'd him and sent some of the urine off for tests. They tried inserting an IV and ended up calling IV therapy. Four sticks later and an IV was in place.

The plan was to run blood work, urine tests, kidney function tests, do a kidney ultrasound, and run a bolus of fluid to see if he would urinate on his own. After an hour and a half another scan showed 67 cc's. The latest scan is showing his bladder has filled to a whopping 183 cc's.

They spoke with the urologist here and they said to see a three year old with a urinary retention issue is uncommon. Typically these issues are seen in elderly patients, especially males with enlarged prostates.

When we arrived, his scan was 415 ml. The latest scan was 183 ml (done at 2:05pm). They are concerned because an adult with 200 ml of urine will make them have to urinate. A three year old with nearly 200 ml way too high, especially when he has no need to urinate (nor can he go).

The doctor just arrived (2:10pm) and told us that there is an obvious issue as he is not able to urinate. They are now calling Sparrow to speak with a pediatric urologist. He told us that they don't have any one here at Allegiance that is able to take care of a pediatric patient with urology issues and therefore they feel he needs to be transferred to Sparrow (our request) or U of M. They should be back in a bit to share with us where he will be transferred to.

PLEASE keep us in your thoughts. I worked last night and haven't been to bed yet. I'm exhausted and it's starting to show.

Just some more photos...

2009-06-07T03:39:00.008-04:00

What I've been up to...

2009-06-07T00:14:00.007-04:00

These are some photos and projects I have been doing lately. These were made for two friends who needed 4x6 photo's to pass out to their fans. I have some more I'm working on for them as well.

Trying to play catch up...

2009-06-06T23:48:00.002-04:00

I have a million things on my mind right now and no "mental composure" to put it all into a well written post. Please excuse my *attempt* at playing catch up!

I want to wish our very good friends a Happy Anniversary (June 6th). May they have many years of marital bliss and fond memories ahead of them. (Oh yeah, and may I be the proud new "aunt" in the near future too!)

In other news:

I am now the mother of a 12 year old! *gulp* How in the world that happened, I have NO clue. I do have a Birthday post started but like everything else in life right now, it's not finished! *sigh* Jacob turned 12 on June 3rd. Of course, he already thinks he knows everything. Boy, we are just getting started!

Tim has received the official paperwork for the GM buyout program. I can't really comment any further on that whole mess because we haven't had the time to really sit down and discuss everything in detail.

The children are now enrolled in a new school district, effective Fall 2009. It's a change for all of us and one that came with much distress. I truly believe it is needed but I'm just having a hard time letting go of our "ties" to those that we have come to know and the friendships I have formed with the teachers of our school district. I promise to keep in touch with them because they truly have made a huge impact in the lives of our children as well as my own. *Big shout out to Mrs. A*

Work is busy. I've picked up extra hours, been training on another job, and then have third rides starting up again at the ambulance base next week. I have three nights in a row there and am hoping to "get my feet wet".

I've been doing much research on schooling for myself and still trying to figure out where I need to be. I know that it will all work out, in time, but I'm having a hard time seeing the light that is supposedly at the end of the tunnel. Have you ever had a flashlight that flickers when you shake it just right? That's what it feels like. A flicker of hope, only to have it get real dim and go out. I keep shaking it, hoping for it to stay on and guide my way but it's not working. I'm thinking I need a new flash light (aka, a new goal or path).

In two weeks, my youngest sibling and only brother will be married! I'm still wondering how all of those years passed by so quickly. I am so excited for him and his bride-to-be. I remember those months leading up to my own wedding nearly 14 years ago (wow). I wish them nothing but pure marital bliss. I do admit that I'm anxious to be an Aunt again. If and when they decide to expand their family, I am sure I will be on cloud 9. It has been many years since I have had a niece or nephew to "spoil" and enjoy. Not that I don't love every-single-one of my nieces and nephews now but they are just a tad bit too big to be bouncing around on my knee! :)

I've been spending so much time lately reflecting on my life and those that have had an impact on it through the years. We recently laid to rest my grandfather and the tenth anniversary of my other grandfathers passing was just days earlier. My heart has been heavy and quite sad as I think about the loss of both of them. I look back through the years and see how the loss has impacted not only me but the other family members as well. For some, it affected them much more than they will every be able to see. It is one of the worst things we must go through, losing a loved one. In the end; however, we must move on. We must find a way to cope with our loss and deal with our grief. Our loved ones would want us to move on and live life to the fullest. Unfortunately, grief has taken a hold on some and they have become "paralyzed" in every aspect of their life. It is quite sad to witness.

I am going to make a better attempt at updating more often. For now, I must go. I will try to upload some photos of things we have been up to lately. It's been a while since I've shared any photos.

Stay safe,
Much Love & Friendship,
Becky

What a day!

2009-05-25T23:15:00.002-04:00

What a beautiful day we had again. The weather was perfect. The kids were able to be a part of our hometown parade by riding their bikes in it. The two youngest rode with Daddy in the fire truck. I, unfortunately, slept during it since I had worked the night before.

The garden is sprouting up quite nicely. If everything grows that is planted, we are going to have a ton of veggies. I'm pretty excited to see what the summer will bring as we begin to harvest our gardens. Yes, that is gardens! We have three so far.

I am looking forward to this weekend. We are honoring my soon-to-be sister in law, Katie at a bridal shower. I'm very excited for both her and my brother. They are to be married in less than a month now (gasp) and I'm sure both of them are going to be stunning on the day they walk down the aisle. I can't wait to share photos of the blessed event!!

Other than that, not much is really going on. I have been pushing myself to stay on track with the weight loss journey. I have started adding in more exercise with the hope that things will begin to "tone" up in places that they are needed. Like, everywhere! I have retaken my measurements today but need to locate my original measurements. I know I have them somewhere. I'm curious to see how many inches have been lost. PLEASE let them have been lost and not gained! :) I'll share with you once I find them.

The kids are winding down on their school year. We have some big decisions to make regarding the kids and it isn't easy. I'm hoping for some more clarity as the weeks pass. I have a pretty strong suspicion that things will be changing on many aspects in our lives over the next several months. I guess everything will be fine in the end, right? Wait...scratch that. I know everything will be fine in the end. HE is in control, ultimately. HE will bring us to where we need to be.

I hope you all have a great week.
Much love,
-Me

The Challenge

2009-05-25T23:14:00.003-04:00

So, how many of you have had a chance to look over the three challenges that I posted previously?

I began my first challenge today. The crunches!

If you will be joining me for this, let me know! Come on, it will be fun!!

Happy Memorial Day!

2009-05-25T23:12:00.001-04:00

Simply put...

Thank You, each and every one of you, who have served or are serving for our country.

Happy Memorial Day!

Will you join me in this challenge?

2009-05-21T10:41:00.003-04:00

The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, the trees have leaves, the grass needs mowing but most of all

The Sun is Shining!

What a beautiful day we have been blessed with!! This is the weather I have wanted for the last several months! I'm so glad that it is finally here.

Today has been a pretty relaxing day so far. The older four kids are in school. Tim has already had a fire run today and Jonathon and I are just enjoying the outdoors. The garden has been watered. The dogs have been fed, watered and played with. The geese are being sassy today so we had a little "chat" about their little attitudes. The chicks have been fed and "talked" to and the quail have been visited this morning already as well.

I think we may finish up the midmorning by going to brunch together after we run a few errands that need to be done.

And then, it's off to nap land for Momma. I'm working tonight so I need to have a little bit of a rest before going in and staying awake all night.

I do have a challenge that I am going to begin though. I'm looking for as many others to join me in it as well. If you want to participate, please leave me a message. I need motivation, people! :)

So far, I am down several inches and not quite 15 pounds lost! It's not much, but a start! It's 15 pounds closer to my goal than what I was a month ago. Right? :)

And so, here is the three challenges. It is a six week challenge. I encourage you all to join me and check in often. I will post more information about it tonight. Keep watching!!

Join me for the six week challenge that will increase your strength!

Pushups, Situps, and Squats

Oh My!

Knocked to our knees

2009-05-07T00:14:00.002-04:00

Tonight, as I pray, You already know what lies on my heart. You already know the outcome of this situation. You already have a plan in place. You have known all along how difficult this road would become and yet You still chose us to be this childs parents. You have trusted us to raise and nuture them to the best of our ability. We need a little more help, Lord. We need Your guidance, Your direction, Your wisdom. Help us to chose the right path.

As parents, we expected that things would be difficult. We understood that there would be times that we would have to do things that would disappoint our children. So why is it that when that time comes, we agonize over it until the pain we feel emotionally becomes a true physical pain. A pain so deep within our chest that we feel like we are suffocating.

I'm not referring to something as "trivial" as a grounding or confiscating a favorite toy. I'm talking about something life changing. A true tough love situation. Something that you know deep within your heart could change your child. Something that has the potential to change them for the better or possibily for the worse. What do you do when your hands are tied.

This is what we are facing. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart hurts right now. Real, physical pain. Raw, deep emotions. Knowing that it is our choice to make but unsure what choice is really for the best.

I can only hope that He gives us some guidance in making the right decision.

Official

2009-05-06T22:33:00.005-04:00

I'm just getting a chance to sit down and relax for a minute...or two. The past few days have been very busy and filled with studying for finals and preparing and planting our gardens.

Yesterday I worked in the garden all day and well into the evening. It felt really good. Not only did I burn a ton of calories and get a lot accomplished, I also felt a deep connection to my Grandpa. I just imagined him walking there beside me, working there in the garden right along with me. I have no doubt that he is enjoying his garden up in Heaven. His gardening tradition will now live on in each one of his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I also push mowed much of the side yard, raked until my arms felt like they were going to fall off, and prepared the rows in the garden for planting. I thought I had stayed well hydrated through it all but I must not have. I came inside and took a nice cold shower to cool off before eating dinner. I had a few glasses of water with dinner (spaghetti) and finished it off with some fresh strawberries...YUM!

And then, it hit.

I had a screaming migraine and no meds! I tried everything. I tried cool cloths, heat, tylenol, more water, resting in pitch black with no sound, hot towels wrapped around my head and even drew a bath of hot water and submerged my head in that. Unfortunately, nothing helped! Thankfully, I did make it to the bathroom in time for my dinner to come back up.

Just for the record, spaghetti and strawberries do NOT come back up very gracefully! There is just something not quite right when angel hair pasta is hanging out of your nostrils. Not to mention the fear it puts into your spouse when they walk in and see the toilet bowl is bright red. I had to assure him it wasn't blood.

Several times I thought about going to the hospital but I just couldn't bring myself to call an ambulance. My pulse was racing at 120-130 and my head felt like it was going to explode. After seven hours, I finally fell asleep. Thankfully, it was gone this morning when I woke up. Okay, so...around lunch time, when I woke up!

Today I worked out in the yard some more. I didn't over do it this time though. I made sure to make more frequent water breaks. I did get tomatos, onions, peppers, squash, and cucumbers in today though. We still have peas, watermelon, pumpkins, cantalope, sweet corn and a couple more things I can't remember now to plant.

We are still awaiting on our new additions to join our family. We are expecting again. Well, not WE...but our geese. We couldn't find White Wing a few weeks back. When we approached the pen, Pluto kept trying to nip at us. This was unusual for him. We opened the little hut we had built for them (that they had never used) and found White Wing sitting on a nest of six eggs! Over the next three days, she laid 3 more. So, we are expecting nine baby geese in the next week or so. We thought maybe Pluto was male and White Wing was female but couldn't be sure...and we were NOT going to sex them! I'll be sure to post a photo when they arrive!

In other news, I ask for your prayers for my wonderful sister-in-law as they try to figure out what is going on with her health. She has been in some tremendous pain and is hospitalized yet they are still searching for the reason. Please send up some prayers that she will recover quickly from the surgery, that they may find an answer, and that it may be fixed and put her on the road to recovery very soon!

I also ask for prayers for a dear friend and her newborn daughter. Please keep them in your thoughts as they are currently hospitalized and going through some testing. I know this is a difficult time for Mom and she could really use some good thoughts.

Last but not least, please think positive thoughts for a dear friend who is undergoing a procedure this week. Just keep thinking positive...positive....positive! :)

On an exciting note, I logged on tonight to find that I have officially been assigned my state EMT license! It's official! I'm legal! :) I am pretty excited about that! I do have a couple leads on some part time postions that I will be checking into.

As far as the weight loss, it's still progressing. The jeans I have on are on the verge of falling off. This is, of course, great news! I'm not weighing in for another few days but will update when I do. I also have my measurements so that I can keep track of inches lost vs weight lost. Sometimes the scales don't move but the way your clothes fit tell you that something is changing! I'm okay with that too.

Tonight we tried ground turkey in our chili. It wasn't too bad. I didn't get to add all of the things I wanted to because it was late, we needed a quick dinner and I forgot to purchase everything I wanted to add. It was a bit bland but it definately is much healthier than ground beef. It has a ton of protein and much less fat. That's a good thing!

I guess I will let you all get back to what you were doing before this. I've just kind of rambled on here. Hopefully I will have something a bit more interesting than this in the next few days.

Stay safe,
Becky

Week Two

2009-05-03T06:15:00.003-04:00

Two weeks later and 10.4 pounds gone! Things are going well.

The kids are doing good. Emilee celebrated her 6th birthday yesterday! Oh how the time has flown by! My baby girl is growing up into a wonderful young lady. As far as the kids, they are enjoying this warm weather that we are having (in spurts anyways). My oldest just told me that he was happy to see leaves on the trees. The girls are ready to put their swimsuits on and play in the hose. (not quite yet, ladies)

We've worked out in the yard a few days this past week cleaning out the flower gardens, rearranging flowers and getting our garden ready to go. Am I the only person who has tulips that are not in bloom yet? They are up, just not opened. I can't wait to see what colors they are.

Work is going well for me. I worked a day shift last week and it was much easier to pass the time. You were busy all the time, which is exactly how I like it. Working thirds has too much down time for me. I never thought I'd be saying that after chasing after five children daily.

Tim is now laid off. We are just taking it day by day and trying to stay as positive as possible.

Other exciting news...my brother is getting married in a few weeks! That's hard for me to believe! I'm super excited for him though!

I can't remember if I posted it or not but I did pass my National EMT exam. I am now waiting on the state to send me my license. I can now breathe a slight sigh of relief.

I am going to do my best to update throughout the week a little better. I ended up very busy and my time here was limited. Okay, nonexistant.

Hoping you are all healthy and doing well,
Becky

So far....

2009-04-20T00:24:00.002-04:00

We're doing good! We are into day 3 (or 56 hours) without any soda. My last drink of soda was at somewhere in the 8'oclock hour on Friday night.

I'm not sure if the headaches I am having are from the caffiene withdrawl, the weather or the new medication I'm taking. I guess it could be all three. I have done well with drinking lots of water today. That's a good thing!

I was able to get some good, solid sleep. That helped me a ton. Once I fell asleep, I slept very hard. I ended up waking up sweating...alot! That is one thing this new medicine does that I don't care for. I sweat much more than I used to. Thank goodness for deodorant! :)

I'm starting to believe that this might really be MY time to find ME. I am surely hoping so. I feel like each day I am ripping a new layer away. Day by day, I am trying to uncover the person that I know is deep within. Soon, the rest of the world will be able to see her as well.

The appetite hasn't diminished completely but it is quite less than before. I am just not hungry. I have increased my fresh fruits and water intake by at least 200%. I have dropped all soda out of my "diet" (I hate that word). It has been only a couple days but I can feel the difference in my body. Of course, it's a positive thing. It sure is hard though.

As they say, "Quitters never win and Winners never quit!"

Journey to a new Me

2009-04-19T00:15:00.002-04:00

Even though I had a very disturbing afternoon, I have still managed to be without soda for over 24 hours.

Twenty Four Very Long Hours

There are a couple things that are getting me "through" right now. Grapes, Strawberries, Watermelon and Pineapple. I have also been drinking water, OJ and Kiwi Strawberry Propel. Which reminds me...did you know:

Mountain Dew vs Propel (16.9 oz)
240 calories vs 20
90mg sodium vs 160
65 total carbs vs 5
65g sugars vs 4g

Also, one pound of body fat is equal to 3500 calories. In addition to that, I read on a website that a 20 oz bottle of Mt. Dew has approximately 10 teaspoons of sugar in it. The sugar in five 20oz pops equals 1,920 calories! Almost 2,000 calories!!!

For those of you that don't realize what a tough challenge that is for me, I can only stress how much of an addiction I have to soda and caffiene. it would not be uncommon for me on any given day to consume 2-4 20oz sodas. That's approximately 768 to 1536 calories per day from ONLY soda! Talk about empty, nonnutritional calories.

After the recent visit with my physician, we had a candid talk about the hold that "pop" had on me. It truly is an addiction, much like smoking or drinking. I found myself craving it so much. There were times that I didn't have any in the house and would leave in the middle of the evening just to go get a soda to satisfy the craving. It was that bad!

I'm not someone who particularly likes sweets. I don't like chocolate. My body can't tolerate ice cream. And so, my craving was for soda and the energy (although short lived) it provided me with.

It has taken me a good two weeks to convince myself that I can do this. I will kick this soda habit. And in the end, I will feel like a totally different person. A much healthier person. Someone who isn't drinking soda after soda just trying to make it through the next couple hours only to have my sugar levels crash at warp speeds, requiring even more to satisfy the cravings.

And so, I have begun the journey to a new me. Hopefully having an end result with less of me.

I'm hesitant to post exactly what my goals are. I realize now that it is because I am afraid of failure. Nobody wants to fail. Especially when you have people reading your inner most thoughts on a topic such as being addicted to something or as you battle the bulge. I thought if I could keep my failures to myself, I wouldn't be "failing" in public. Honestly, I have only been fooling myself. I now realize that.

And so, I will put my goals down on paper tonight and I will share them with my readers. My hope is that it will keep me motivated as I travel this up hill journey.

I have lost weight since I have started this only 3 days ago but for now, I think I am going to post weight changes once a week. That may change, we will see. :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Up in Flames...

2009-04-18T23:53:00.002-04:00

Have you ever stood by, watching something very important to you go up in flames? I mean, literally, go up in flames?

One of my biggest fears was that we would have a house fire and we would lose irreplaceable things from our childhood, photos, mementos, as well as each of those things that we have for our own children. Many of nights, I have often thought of how we can be sure we never lose any of these precious treasures. We all know that through the years, we lose certain events from our memory. While digging through an old box of goodies, you tend to run across something that reminds you of your previous years.

I don't have many things that are mine. You know, things that I have from my childhood, my teenage years, even my early adult years. Surely, I have plenty of things that are for the children. Tim has enough "memories" to fill a semi tractor trailer. However, myself, I would say that most of the treasures that I kept would easily fit into two or three small cardboard boxes, at most. I didn't keep many things through the years but the items I did keep, meant something to me. They marked an event in my life that I wanted to remember.

Today, while burining off a pile of brush and such, I spotted a box in the middle of the fire. As I took my stick to spread out the stack of smouldering stuff, my heart nearly stopped beating. There, in the middle of a raging fire, was one of my boxes of childhood treasures. My heart sank.

I tried pulling some of the things out, burning my fingertips. As I brought the things closer to me using the stick, I noticed that there were so many of my things that lay there buring. My grade school report cards, all of my mementos from each of my class trips with the band, things from my senior year, my graduation cards, bridal shower cards, wedding cards, and even well wishes for our first child. I had pages and pages of short stories, poems, journal entries, and so much more that lay before me just burning.

I felt my eyes sting as the tears began to well up inside of them. I knew that I needed to leave before I lost it entirely. There, before me, lay so many memories, physical reminders of the things I had accomplished, things I had to remember my childhood by, letters, poems, journal entries and things that really meant alot to me. There I stood, watching each of those moments burn up into nothing more than a pile of ash.

Angrily, I started shoving the things back into the fire, scattering them among the flames. I threw down my stick and began walking away. "I need a drink" was the only thing I could manage to speak. As I walked away, tears running down my face, I heard, "I'm sorry. I didn't know these were your things. I wouldn't have put them in there if I had."

How many times do YOU throw things into a fire or burn pile without making damn sure that they are not something of importance?

My heart is breaking tonight. I think it has shattered into a million little pieces.

Time to reflect...

2009-04-18T06:02:00.002-04:00

It's quiet here at work. The phones have been silent most of the night and I have even managed to read 140 pages of a new book.

I have had a lot of time on my hands, as you can see. I have spent this time to reflect on many things that have been stirring in my head. Do you ever get those moments? The ones that you can seem to drift off into thought for what seems like hours at a time? That is me. The only exception is that mine have been for days at a time.

As I had posted previously, Tim has received his last day to work. He will work one more week before he is laid off long term. At this time, they are estimating it to be approximately one year or longer. Of course, there is nothing that is written in stone. It is all a guessing game at this point but that is what his committee man told him.

In light of the upcoming layoff, I'm feeling pretty good. Perhaps it is because I now have my EMT class finished and am now searching for employment. Even a little extra cash will go a long way. I know that in time, all things will work out. This is just a way for us to be reminded of the many blessings we already have. A ~~subtle~~ reminder to not be greedy.

That reminds me... While shopping today with my oldest, I overheard a conversation between a father and a son. Apparently this child wanted more than one toy but only had $20 to use. The child was around 10-12 years old, I would guess. After several minutes of the mother arguing with this child, the father asked the boy to come to him, making sure to tell him he would not be mad. From the next aisle over, I heard the father explaining to his son how he shouldn't be greedy. He stressed that the child only had $20 to use for his toy(s) and no more. He reminded him of the necessary items that he needed, such as clothes, shoes and food. And then went on to tell him that he could choose something in the $20 price range or he could leave the store with nothing. In the end, I'm not sure what decision the child made. What I do know is that I was encouraged to hear this father talking with his son about not being greedy, especially during times like these.

Another event we witnessed today was a pretty horrific vehicle accident. Knowing that it occurred just moments ahead of us was all the more reason for us to count our blessings. My thoughts are with those involved, whoever they may be.

I'm gearing up to take my National Registry exam next week. I plan to take it mid week and celebrate on Friday! It will be a much needed celebration. Now if only I pass. :) *sigh*

I've started writing again. In my free time, well...when I have any to speak of, I write short stories. I haven't written any in a while because I was occuppied with other responsibilities; however, I have more time to devote to them now. And so, with new inspiration, I have started the writing process again.

In other news, I have also ventured out and have begun a weight loss program. Not a typical program like Weight Watchers, although I hear they are wonderful. This program is something my doctor and I discussed and have come to the conclusion to try. I can only hope for the results I desire. And so, with lots of hard work, willpower, determination and the yearning to gain a new figure...my quest has begun! ::: crossing fingers :::

My shift is up in about 40 minutes so I am going to see if I can go finish my book. Then tonight, when I return to work, I can start another one!

I hope you are all doing well and are enjoying this wonderful weather we are being blessed with (locally). Before long, it will be time to plant the garden! Yikes.

Have a great day,
Becky

With such relief....

2009-04-14T01:32:00.002-04:00

I come to you tonight! Can you believe how long it has been since I have been here to update everyone? I apologize for taking such a long vacation from blogging. It has been a much needed break, however.

Tonight, I passed my state EMT exam! My final percentage in the class was a 91.9%, placing me 2nd in the class. I am so very excited.

In the same breath, I am also sad to know that three of the classmates that tested today did not pass and will not move onto the next step. They now must take the entire class over with if they want to pursue their EMT license.

As for me, I now move on to my national registry exam. I am thinking of taking it in another 7-10 days. We shall see if my time frame works out or not.

I am still working at the hospital. The shift I am working has been quite difficult to get used to. It has put a tremendous strain on me so I have requested to be put on a different shift. Actually, I will be moving to an on call position. I think that at this time, that is the best place for me to be.

The kids are doing well. They just finished having spring break. They had a great time for Easter. Unfortunately, I ended up tucked in bed for most of the day only to turn around and come to work again that evening. It is the first time I have been away from them for a holiday. Needless to say, it was a difficult thing for me. All the plans I had for the holiday didn't work out. I was pretty bummed about that.

Tim is still working. At least, for the present time. He will be laid off again on April 27th. Again, we're unsure how long this will last. He has a feeling that it will be for a long time as he said the government apparently told GM to begin the process for bankruptcy. That's not a good sign.

I hope each of you had a fantastic holiday. I hope to keep up the blogging now that my EMT class is over and I have PASSED! What a relief!

Until next time,
-B